Love, Come and Save Me
by hiially
Summary: Jade's reflecting on where her and her friends are now in their lives, and suddenly she realizes that she isn't okay with it. Rated for drug use, mention of self harm, and language. JORI Story title is a Right Away, Great Captain! song.
1. Reflection

**I don't own Victorious or any of the characters! They're slightly OOC here, but given the circumstances of the story, this is how I anticipated them to behave. I just had an idea and ran with it.**

I don't know when it happened exactly. Or how. One day I looked back on the life we were living, and it had turned into one of those TV shows that depict teenagers as being completely fucked up. You know, the partying, the drugs, the generally messed up view of the world. But then I'd think about it and I'd come to the conclusion that was exactly what we all were: fucked up.

It was the summer before our senior year of high school when I came to the cold realization that there was something terribly wrong with all of us. But that was also the time that I realized that I really didn't know if I cared anymore. I figured I would die someday, and what little difference it made to me if it was tomorrow or in forty years.

There had been a party. A big one, right before school was to start again. I can't remember who hosted it, and it really didn't matter.

I had been in the middle of a conversation with Beck, though his slurred speech hardly registered to me as I watched him drink straight from a bottle of whiskey. I had been much more concerned with the lit joint in his hand that I so casually slipped from his fingers and in between my lips. I inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke fill my lungs and I held it there, nodding my head like I was actually paying attention to what Beck had been saying.

Cat came sauntering by, giggling like a madwoman as she fell into my side. Instinctively, I wrapped a protective arm around her waist to hold her up. Her eyes had looked at me, but I knew she hadn't really seen me. She had took up the bad habit of taking pills. Whatever she could get her hands on. Whatever would make her float by all of the terrible things that was going on in her life. She had placed a gentle kiss on my cheek before withdrawing from my hold and moving to a different room. I watched as she went on, and that was when I saw her: Tori Vega.

She had been standing out on the porch, and I watched through the sliding glass door as she lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. I tried my hardest to remember when it was that she started smoking, but my memory failed me because suddenly I had a strong desire to be what her lips were touching so delicately.

I took one last hit from the joint before passing it back to Beck, and excused myself from the conversation without a word. I heard him call my name, clearly confused about my abrupt departure, though I ignored it.

I held the smoke in my lungs as I walked, only releasing it into the air when I felt myself getting light headed. I slid the door open and approached her rather determinately. She didn't notice me until my fingers were plucking the cigarette from her lips and filling the empty space with my mouth. She tasted like ash, and surprisingly enough I didn't mind because there was the faintest taste of mint mingled with it.

I had anticipated resistance when I snaked my empty hand around her neck, but instead I had been met with an equal passion.

The guy that she had been talking to made a few noises of discomfort before finally getting the picture to leave the two of us alone. When I heard the door slide shut, I finally allowed myself to retreat from the kiss. I didn't chance a look in her direction, instead I leaned against the railing and looked out onto the beach that the house overlooked. I realized that I still had her cigarette in my hand and I took a drag. She leaned next to me and casted me a sideways glance.

"Since when did you start smoking?" I had asked her as I passed back the cigarette, though my eyes remained locked on the crashing waves.

I heard her laugh as she accepted her cigarette again, "Since when did you start caring?"

At that point, I finally looked at her. It always pained me that she could think so highly of me, and yet still truly believe that I disliked her. At the same time, I couldn't stand the thought of her actually knowing my true feelings. Her eyes mirrored that same distraught look as she took another casual drag from the cigarette. She flicked the ash off the deck with a quick twitch of her thumb. She redirected her attention back to the ocean as she cleared her throat.

"You look thinner." I had commented, not really anticipating an answer. I caught on months ago that Tori had developed a problem, and I couldn't quite figure out how no one else had.

"So do you." She retorted so quickly, I had actually been caught off guard.

It was a stalemate in my eyes. Neither of us really had a good enough reason to care about the other, not after everything that had happened.

"Things have really fallen apart, haven't they?" I heard her small voice say after a long moment of silence. My eyes slid over to her, though hers remained fixated in front of her.

"Come on." I had said, tentatively taking her wrist and leading her off the deck and down the lit walkway that lead to the beach. We ditched our shoes where the grass died off into sand and made our way to the water. A now dying bonfire had been set up a few feet away from where we stood.

"What happened to us?" She asked as she watched the waves lap at her feet.

I let out a sigh, "I don't know, Tori."

"Beck is still in love with you." She said as she lit another cigarette and passed it to me.

"Andre's still in love with you." I replied as I accepted it.

She scoffed as she lit another, "He shouldn't be. Not after what we did."

"They aren't saints in the situation either." I said casually.

"It killed me. You know that, don't you?"

I took a deep drag and held it in my lungs as I thought about what she had asked, "What did?"

"Lying. To both of them. To everyone, actually." She said as she kicked at the water.

"I never asked you to do that." I replied coldly.

Another scoff, "You never asked me much of anything, and yet I would have bent over backwards for you."

"Some people might call that pathetic." I said quickly, though guilt soon seeped in once my words were out there.

"And some people don't even give a fuck about you anymore, Jade."

This time the scoff came from me as I looked at her, "Fuck, Tori. What are you saying? That all of this," I motioned behind us to the house where our friends were doing Lord knows what, "is our fault? Is because of us?"

"I don't even know anymore, Jade. I don't even know what happened!"

"I'll tell you what happened: Cat couldn't keep acting like nothing could touch her, so she had to do something to really keep her from reality. Robbie is so self-loathing that the only thing that could keep him from killing himself is being so high that he doesn't even know who he is."

"What about Beck? Hm? And Andre?" Tori insisted.

I shook my head, "Beck's been drunk since he was sixteen. He just stopped hiding it. Andre just likes having a good time." I said as I laughed cynically.

Tori shoved me once I finished my list of our friends, "Is this just a fucking joke to you?" She seethed.

I barely had the reaction time to keep myself from falling into the water, "Fuck. Are you kidding me? What about you, Tori?" I asked once I regained my composure.

"What about me?" Tori asked, and I could see she was trying her best to seem as though there wasn't a damn thing wrong with her.

"What happened to you? I can't even remember the last time I saw you actually eat something. And the smoking?" I asked as I held my cigarette in between us for emphasis, "What's that going to do to that voice of yours?"

I could see the tears streaming down her face in the flickering light of the flames off to the side.

"What about you?" She asked coldly.

"Don't." I snapped in a warning tone.

"It's July, Jade. What are you doing wearing long sleeves?" She asked condescendingly. I knew she already knew the answer to that.

"Well, we all have our vices." I said as I cleared my throat and looked back to the water.

"And what are we supposed to do when our biggest vice is each other?" She asked rhetorically.

"You know exactly what you have to do." I said softly.

"What?" She asked.

"Quit me. Cut me out of your fucking life so we can get over this and move on."

"What is there to move on to, Jade? It's like none of us even know each other anymore. I just can't help thinking that if we hadn't-"

"Fine. We shouldn't have been fucking behind their backs. I'll give you that. But don't you dare blame yourself for the way that everyone else turned out." I said, my voice shaking now.

She let out a sigh as she flicked the butt of her cigarette into the sand and wrapped her arms around her thin body.

I took another puff from the cigarette as I contemplated what I should say next, "That wasn't how I anticipated everyone finding out, you know."

"You wanted people to know?" She asked me, and I couldn't help smiling at the sound of pure shock in her voice. There was even a little bit of hope, if I wasn't imagining it.

"Yeah. I did. You know, we didn't do anything wrong, Tori. We just got caught up in all the shit. Everything that happened would have happened regardless of what you and I did behind closed doors." I said as I took a few steps back and sat down on the dry sand. She followed suit and I watched as she shivered in the cool breeze. I shrugged out of my zip up and wrapped it around her shoulders. I instinctively wrapped my arms around my legs to hide what I had been doing to myself.

"Was Beck mad when he found out?" She asked softly.

I shook my head, "I think he saw it coming. We both knew that we were over a long time ago. Just too afraid to admit it to each other. He'd been sleeping around too, I guess. What about Andre?"

"Furious would be a better way to describe it. He wouldn't speak to me for a week, and when he finally did it was just him asking me over and over again how I didn't stop him when he started falling in love with me. Like anything I could have said would have stopped him." She said with a laugh.

I let out a light laugh until I heard stirring behind us. I turned quickly to see Beck and Cat making their way through the sand and over to us. Cat looked sleepy, like she was finally coming down from her last trip as she clung desperately onto Beck's hand. Beck still seemed a little drunk, though no where nearly as bad as before.

"Mind if we join you?" He asked as he got closer. Tori and I both shook our heads as we watched them sit on Tori's side.

We sat in a very comforting silence as we watched the sun start to peek slightly out from the horizon. Tori leaned her head on my shoulder and I let out a soft sigh as I gently placed my cheek against the crown of her head. I felt her hand sneak its way around my arm as she gently traced my scars.

There was more movement coming from behind us and I didn't even have to turn around to know who it was. Robbie was suddenly seated beside me with a rather loud smell of weed clinging to him. Andre appeared next to him with a beer bottle in his hand. He twirled the glass around with a concentrated look on his face.

The sun was rising now, lighting up the trashed beach as well as what I could only imagine to be the disaster of a house behind us.

"I'm so sorry." Tori choked out. I hadn't even realized that she had been crying, though I felt her tears bleeding through my shirt and onto my shoulder. I pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head.

"We all are." Robbie said quietly.

"We'll be okay, right?" Andre asked. All of us snapped out of our own thoughts and looked to our friend.

"I hope so." Cat whispered and I watched as she buried her face in Beck's neck.

"Of course we will." Beck said reassuringly as he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

That was the night that I realized maybe we weren't hopeless. Maybe we still had a chance. Not to go back to the way things were before, obviously. But to move forward and become something better.


	2. Cat

Cat was the first one to start slipping away.

I could kick myself for not catching onto it sooner. Maybe I could have helped her. Who the fuck am I kidding? I was neck-deep in my own shit. That's why I didn't see it, and even if I had, I can't honestly say that I would have dropped all of my own problems to run to her side.

Her random outbursts and absurd stories about her brother slowly started to fade away. I think the majority of us were more relieved when we could have a conversation without "this one time, my brother..." interrupting someone's train of thought.

It sounds terrible, I know, but I'm really not interested in sugar coating any of the shit that went down with us. Nothing ever gets fixed that way. Nothing can ever be understood if you don't show it for what it really is.

We were at lunch when I first noticed something really weird going on. It was the beginning of our junior year, and from an outsider's perspective, I'm sure we all looked really fantastic and happy. And I guess we would even say that we were too. Except when I looked at Cat and saw that blank stare as she idly moved around the pasta on her plate with her fork.

"You okay, Kitty Cat?" I had asked as I took a drink from my water bottle. My inquiry had brought everyone's attention to our spaced out friend.

She looked up at me and gave me a wide smile, "I'm great. Really great." She said in that airy voice. Her glassy eyes barely locked on mine, lazily falling back down to her tray. My brow furrowed and I was about to pry further until Andre interrupted me.

"So there's a party going on tonight." He said with a grin as he slung an arm around Vega's shoulders. Oh yeah. They had started dating. I couldn't quite place the emotion that had been brought to life inside me, but I didn't like it. I didn't like the way she smiled and leaned into him like she was actually happy.

"Where at?" Beck asked excitedly as he pulled me closer to his side.

"Does it really matter?" Andre replied with a chuckle, "All I know is that some Northridge girl is throwing a bash, and we're all invited."

"How'd you swing that?" I asked in disbelief.

Andre jutted a thumb to his side, pointing at Robbie who had been carefully watching Cat. When he noticed the rest of us looking at him, he cleared his throat and gave a half-hearted smile, "Rex, technically. But who cares." Robbie said, trying to seem cavalier about the situation. I can't imagine knowing that your puppet was more popular than you could be a very comforting thought.

"So...We in?" Andre asked excitedly.

"Depends. You got the stuff?" Beck asked with a mischievous grin.

"Man, have I ever let you down?" Andre retorted, feigning insult. Vega and I exchanged confused glances as the two boys reached over us and slapped hands.

Once we got to the party, I found out that this 'stuff' that Beck had asked about was some seriously expensive pills. A plethora to be exact. Whatever you wanted, Andre had at least five. Cat swiped two heavy pain relievers and faded away into the crowd shortly after. Beck popped an Adderall and washed it down with straight whiskey. I pocketed two small tablets that Andre told me would make me fly like a kite. Whatever that meant. I watched as Vega shook her head politely when Andre offered his open hand to her. He shrugged and put the rest into the little plastic baggy and stuffed in his pocket.

"What, none for you, Andre?" I asked as I drank from my beer.

"Nah, I've got my eyes on something else." He said as he looked past me and waved some kid down. Him, Beck, and this strange boy went off into a different room. Robbie shuffled for a moment before excusing himself and walking into another room. This left Vega and I alone together. I let out a sigh and pulled another beer from Beck's bag that he had left by my feet.

"Want one?" I offered. She smiled lightly and accepted it, popping open the cap and taking a drink.

"You don't look to excited to be here." Vega commented as I crossed my arms.

"We're in Northridge." I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes.

Vega surrendered with a laugh, "Fair enough."

"So what's up with Andre?" I asked, nodding in the direction of our retreating boyfriends.

Vega rolled her eyes and shook her head, "I don't know."

"He's your boyfriend." I said with a disbelieving laugh.

"Yeah, and when it comes to things like this, we've developed a don't-ask-don't-tell policy." She said with a shrug.

"Things like this being...?"

Vega chewed on her lip for a moment, as if she were debating on whether or not she could tell me whatever it was that was bothering her, "Powder." She whispered.

"What, like cocaine?" I said with a laugh. She gave me a dark look and my laughter stopped abruptly. "Shit." I said as I let out a low whistle.

"To each his own I suppose." She said in a quiet voice as she took another drink from her bottle. The conversation stopped there, and instead we took a moment to survey the party from where we stood. Cat could be seen sitting on the couch, listening to some boy, though it looked like it was taking quite a lot of what little energy she had to keep her head up. That smile never left her face, though, as her airy laugh made its way over to where we stood.

"Come on, let's go." I said, grabbing Beck's bag of beer and slinging it over my shoulder before reaching out and taking Vega by the hand and leading her up the stairs to the second story of the house.

"Where are we going?" Vega asked, and I heard a small giggle escape her lips.

I pulled her into a room and kept tugging her until we were by the window. I turned to look at her, "Do you trust me?" I asked with a devilish grin.

"I guess." She stammered, looking at me, unsure of my intentions. I dug into my pocket and pulled out the two pills I had taken from Andre. I took her hand and put one pill into her palm and held out my palm that had the other.

"What is it?" She asked nervously.

"Let's find out." I suggested with a smirk. She looked at me for a long while before letting out a sigh and shrugging, tossing the pill into her mouth and taking a swig out of her beer. I followed suit and then opened the window that we stood by.

"What are you doing?" She asked urgently.

"I scoped this out when we pulled up. This house has the perfect roof. Come on." I said as I popped off the screen and climbed out onto the eave. A few paces away from the window was a part of the roof that had a much less drastic angle to it and I shimmied my way over and sat down. Vega joined me moments later and we sat in a peaceful silence, looking over the backyard where the party was in full swing.

"It's nice up here." Vega said and I looked at her. Her mouth was pulled into a goofy smile, and I could tell that whatever we had taken was starting to affect her. I laughed and nodded as I slipped my hand into the V of my shirt, pulling a joint out of my bra. Vega's attention moved from the backyard and to what was now in my hand. "Where'd you get that?" She exclaimed with wide eyes.

I laughed, "Robbie gave it to me earlier." I said as I lit the joint and took a hit. I held the smoke in my lungs and looked over to Vega. She was looking at me quite intently and I nodded to the joint in my hand as a silent offer.

She worried her lip in between her teeth before accepting it and taking a drag. She held the smoke in as she leaned back on her elbows before finally opening her mouth and letting the smoke leak out between her lips. My tongue ran over my lower lip as I thought about what kissing her would feel like. Shocked by my own thought, I shook my head and took another hit from the joint, enjoying the way the high melded with whatever we had taken and the small buzz from the alcohol.

"Why'd you bring me up here, Jade?" She asked after we passed the joint back and forth a few times in silence.

"Neither of us want to be here. Figured we could use the company." I said as I puffed on the joint. My head was spinning slightly and my mouth grew dry so I drank deeply from my beer.

"Cat hasn't really been herself lately, has she?" Vega asked again, moving from one topic to the next.

I let out a sigh as I handed off the joint and looked at the bottle in my hand, "No, she hasn't."

"We haven't been too good of friends to her." Vega commented.

"We're doing all we know how." I said quietly.

"We're doing nothing." Vega retorted, sounding slightly upset.

"Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do, Vega?" I snapped, looking at her with harsh eyes.

She instantly surrendered her anger and dropped back onto her elbows, "Fuck. I don't know." She said, her voice hardly audible.

"She's...She's got a lot going on. We all cope differently. She'll be okay." I said, more for myself than for Vega's sake. I shook my head, throwing my empty bottle off of the roof and grabbing another. Vega stuck out her hand and I looked at her with a shocked expression. I handed her the bottle and our hands grazed when she took it, but I didn't let go. I don't know what it was, but I was stuck there, looking into those chocolate brown eyes as she looked back at me.

So I leaned in and kissed her, and when we pulled away, I kissed her again. Her empty hand snaked its way into my hair and tugged me closer to her. I bit down on her lip and reveled in the whimper that she let out.

"Well." She said when we finally pulled away from each other. I put out the roach out and stuck it back in my bra. We sat in a slightly uncomfortable silence as we sipped our beers.

"We should probably get back. Just in the off chance that the boys start wondering where we are." I offered, casting a glance that finally caught her eye. She nodded her head and began shimmying back to the open window. Once we were both back inside, I put the screen back in place and closed the actual window. When I turned back to face her, she was only inches away from me and that desire that engulfed me earlier came back full swing.

Our mouths crashed together and I wrapped my arms around her waist as I guided her backwards to the bed that was in the center of the room. Her back hit the mattress and my lips hit her neck as her fingers tangled in my hair. My hunger was fueled on by the way her body rolled into me and I slid my hands up her sides, taking her shirt with them. Just as I was about to yank the offending garment off of her, the door bursted open and we shot apart.

"What the fuck!" I shouted as I looked at the intruder.

A guy stumbled in with his lips sloppily trailing down the neck of a small redhead.

No fucking way.

"What. The. Fuck." I growled again, getting off of the bed and storming over to where that sleazeball was groping my best friend. I pried him away from her and shoved him into the closed door with my arm under his neck. I watched out of my periphery as Vega came to Cat's aid rather quickly as she ushered the small girl to the bed.

"Hey, step off. What do you think you're doing?" The guy said as he struggled to get away from me.

"What do you think you're doing, you fucking prick?" I snapped back at him.

"She wants it!" The guy argued as he gestured in Cat's direction.

"Does she look like she fucking even knows what's going on right now?" I yelled.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" The guy spat at me and I shoved him again.

"I'll be your worst fucking nightmare if you don't get your ass out of this room in the next thirty seconds. And if I ever see you go near my friend again, I'll make Saw seem like a nursery rhyme. Are we clear?" I snarled at the guy. The kid looked less than phased by what I had said, which was starting to really piss me off.

"Jade." I heard Vega say in a scolding manner from behind me.

"Jade...Jade West?" The kid's face had paled and I looked at him with a newfound realization.

"You better fucking believe it." I said with a malicious grin. "You didn't answer me. Are we clear?" He just nodded his head. I let him go and watched as he stumbled out of the room and down the hall rather quickly. I turned back to see Cat passed out on the bed and Vega sitting next to her.

"I'll stay with her." Vega offered, her voice soft as she gently stroked Cat's hair.

"I'm not fucking leaving her." I snapped harshly. Vega flinched and I let out a sigh, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I just meant..."

"I know, Jade." Vega said, giving me an understanding smile. I walked over to the bed and watched as Vega scooted over to give me some room. I sat with my back leaning against the headboard as I looked straight ahead and thought about everything that had happened. Everything that could have happened.

"Is she...okay?" I asked quietly.

"She'll be fine. She just needs to sleep it off." Vega said as she scooted down and laid her head in my lap. I was taken aback, my hand retracted up by my chest as I watched her make herself comfortable. I shimmied down so it would be more comfortable for both of us and Vega repositioned her head to the curve of my neck as she snaked her arm around my waist.

"Her brother's a fucking mess." I began, not really caring that she didn't ask any questions, "Her parents don't have the time to look after her, so she's been looking after herself. It was fine when we were younger. But he's gotten worse. He needs more attention, so what little time she got with them has been taken away. She thinks she's alone in the world. That's why she acts the way she does. If she can act like it doesn't hurt her, then she can convince herself that it really doesn't. I guess acting wasn't enough for her anymore. She needed something stronger to take the pain away." I said, tears streaming down my face at this point as I thought about my best friend.

Vega propped herself up and wiped away my tears, "Shh, Jade. It's okay. You're a good friend to her. She knows that." Vega cooed.

"Then why...why does she..." I choked out, trying my best not to wake the sleeping girl on the other side of Vega.

"You said it yourself. We all cope differently." Vega whispered as she kissed where my tears were falling. When her lips touched mine, I cupped her face and deepened the kiss. It didn't last too long, and soon she was back to being nestled in the crook of my neck, clinging to me desperately.

"I guess this goes without saying..." Vega began.

"What does?" I asked as I finally allowed myself to wrap my arm around her shoulders.

"What happened tonight...is never spoken of again." Vega rather stated more than asked. I said nothing, simply pulling her closer to me and kissing the top of her head. Soon I felt her breath even out as it basked over my skin. Not too long after did sleep take me as well.

I awoke what seemed like minutes later to snickering and the sun pouring through the window. My eyes slowly opened and I saw Beck, Andre, and Robbie standing at the foot of the bed staring at us with amused smiles. Shaking the remaining sleep from my mind, I looked at the predicament that we had found ourselves in. Vega was still glued to my side with half of her body covering mine, and on her other side was Cat spooning her with her face buried in brown hair.

"Guess we were in the wrong part of the party last night." Beck joked with that crooked grin. Bags were under his eyes and I got the feeling he hadn't even been to bed.

"Get out of here, you fucking perverts." I growled as I pulled a pillow out from behind my head and threw it at them. They all laughed and shuffled out of the room, leaving me with a still-asleep Cat and Vega who was just waking up.

"No. Go back to bed." She mumbled as she buried herself deeper in my neck, her lips grazing my collar bone and giving me chills.

I let out a sigh, "Wake up, Vega."

Her eyes shot open and she sat up quickly disentangling herself from Cat and staring at me with an open mouth.

"What's your deal?" I asked as I sat up and stretched my back.

Vega looked at me for another moment longer, clearly anticipating me yelling at her for touching me. She shut her mouth and shook her head, "Nothing. Not a thing."

We shared a silent look of understanding before we both fixed our attention to our sleeping friend. We sat there for a moment before Cat began to stir. She rubbed at her eyes and her lithe body stretched out and her eyes slowly slid open.

"Morning." She said in a sleepy voice with a smile. Vega and I exchanged disbelieving expressions as we watched Cat sit up and crack her back.

"Morning." We replied in confused unison.

"Let's get pancakes." Cat giggled as she jumped onto me and began tickling me.

"No, Cat, No!" I shouted despite the laughter that was threatening to burst out of me. Vega soon joined in on the assault to my body and my hips involuntarily bucked into her and a moan escaped her lips, mingled in with my laughter. Luckily it didn't register to Cat who had given up on tickling me and instead was on her back, laughing at Lord knows what. Vega's hands froze and we looked at each other, momentarily shot back to last night as images of my hands on her body and her lips on mine engulfed my mind.

"Pancakes." Vega said as a blush crept up her neck.

"Yay!" Cat exclaimed as she ran out of the room.

We were left alone again, her leg still in between mine and her arms positioned on either side of me. She looked at me with that same heated stare as last night and I felt my heart start to clamor in my chest.

"Pancakes, right?" I mentioned again, hoping to break us out of this spell.

"Right. I just..." She trailed off as she leaned in and gently pressed a kiss to my lips.

We pulled apart and she cleared her throat as she climbed off of me and stood up next to the bed, "Well. She seemed...normal."

"Normal for her." I said with a scoff.

"Yeah." Vega agreed lightly as she stood there awkwardly. "So, what do we do?"

"I don't know. Keep an eye on her, I guess. Let her know someone's there. I'm not the greatest in situations like this." I said quietly.

Cat came bursting back into the room with Andre hot on her heels, "Come on you guys! I want pancakes!" She said loudly, running to the bed and practically yanking me onto my feet. I groaned as I allowed myself to be dragged out of the room, casting a look back and watching Andre lean in and kiss Vega the same way she had just kissed me and my stomach tied itself in knots.

I drove with Cat to the diner while everyone else piled into Beck's truck. It was silent between the two of us for a while, just the low hum of the radio in the background. I watched as she tried to subtly pull something out of her purse and slip it into her mouth. I let out a sigh, already having a pretty good idea as to what that could have been.

"You okay, baby girl?" I asked, casting her a worried glance.

She had been staring out the window blankly, but looked at me quickly, "I'm great, Jade, really." She said with that smile I had long ago learned not to believe.

**I hadn't anticipated making this more than a one-shot, but out of the reviews I received, I got the impression that some might like it if I continued. So...I did. Lemme know what you guys think.**


	3. Robbie

**Just a note, there's going to be underlying Jori in each chapter to mesh along with everyone's specific storylines. I'm probably going to do their past and then something for each of them after the party from the first chapter. Enjoy guys! Feedback is more than welcome. :)**

Robbie's life started to crumble next. Well, I'm sure it had been falling apart long before, but it was just now visibly taking its toll on him.

He was always our go-to guy when we needed weed. We never asked questions about how he got it, he just always had it, and a lot of it, too. As time passed, that energy that Robbie always exuded slowly started to dwindle. He would sit quietly with a faded look on his face when we would hang out. No one paid any mind to him, clearly too caught up in our own shit.

There had been another party, and Christ, looking back I can't believe just how much time we actually doing shit like that. This time it had been hosted by Vega when her parents took her sister out of town for some audition.

Beck and I had arrived together, though as soon as we walked in he was off being the social butterfly that he was, with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I stood awkwardly for a moment, trying not to be irritated as I took a swig from the small bottle of raspberry vodka I had brought.

"Drinking straight tonight, Jade?" I heard the voice and suddenly Vega appeared by my side.

I shrugged, "Why not?"

We passed tentative glances over one another. We hadn't spoken much since that night we kissed. If anything, we had done our best to avoid each other. And now we were here, and that urge to kiss her came back even stronger than before.

She nodded, trying to snap herself out of whatever sort of trance we were put in, "Fair enough. You going to enjoy yourself tonight?" She asked with a smile as she nudged me playfully.

There was a small smirk playing on my lips as I rolled my eyes, "As long as this party doesn't suck, Vega, I just might." I said, giving her the once over before tossing in a wink. A blush crept up from the base of her neck to her cheeks as she thought about what I had just said. She took a drink from her cup and cleared her throat.

"Right. Well. Here's to hoping it doesn't suck." She said cheerfully. I screwed off the top of my bottle and we tipped our drinks to each other before taking another drink. She flounced off to go talk to a group of kids that were by the stereo, leaving me alone once again. I found Robbie sitting at the kitchen table, rolling up a joint. I walked over to him and dropped myself into the chair next to him.

"Hey." He said, giving me a lazy smile. His eyes were hazy and slightly bloodshot.

"Hey yourself." I said with a nod. We sat in comfortable silence as we watched all of the party goers. It was pretty easy to point out who would be hooking up later, who would be throwing up in the bushes outside, and who would do something that they would most likely regret in the morning.

"You talk to Cat lately?" Robbie asked, breaking our silence. I passed a glance over him and watched the way he worried his lower lip between his teeth.

"Sparingly." I offered plainly.

He let out a sigh, "I just..." He paused for a moment, then shook his head, "It's stupid. Never mind." He lifted the joint in his hand and smiled at me, "You wanna try out this new shit I got?"

I took a moment to think about the fact that maybe I wasn't the only one worried about the path we were on. Maybe the best way to get to the bottom of what Robbie was thinking would be to get to the bottom of that joint. I shrugged, "Fuck it."

We stood from the table and walked out the back door onto Vega's porch. I led him away from the lights so we wouldn't draw more attention to ourselves from other people we clearly weren't interested in seeing. He lit it up and took a deep drag and I watched as a smile spread on his face. He passed it to me and I followed suit, inhaling and holding it as long as I could before I felt the threat of a cough.

"How've you been, Rob?" I asked as I licked my lips and passed the joint back to him. He leaned his back against the railing and looked up at the stars with a thoughtful smile on his face.

"Okay, I guess. Things are just...okay." He said as he let out a sigh before taking another hit and passing it to me.

"Okay, huh? Sounds boring as fuck." I said with a playful scoff as I breathed out the smoke. We exchanged smiles as he accepted the joint back. "You stopped bringing Rex around." I commented. I noticed as Robbie visibly stiffened and cleared his throat before turning around and leaning his arms on the railing instead.

"Yeah. It was time to grow up." He said solemnly as he rolled the joint between his fingers. I slowly nodded my head. "I mean, we can't hold on to everything, right?" He asked me with a sad smile as he put the rolled paper between his lips. I watched as the red embers glowed as he inhaled.

"Right." I agreed, my voice quiet. This shit was strong. I could feel my eyelids grow heavy, though I wasn't tired at all. A permanent smirk had found its way to my lips as I let out a laugh through my nose when I took the joint back from Robbie and he almost dropped it.

"How are you and Beck?" He asked as he took my vodka bottle that I had set on the railing and took a swig. The old Jade probably would have cut his hand off for doing that. But this Jade, the Jade that was too stoned to even care, she laughed as she watched Robbie's face contort from the burn of the vodka when he put the bottle back down.

"We're okay. Just...okay." I said, then started to chuckle as I realized what I just said.

"Sounds fucking boring." Robbie replied without missing a beat. We shared a soft laugh as we passed the joint and my bottle back and forth a few more times. Robbie snubbed the roach out and nodded back to the house, "I'm gonna head in."

"Okay. I think I'll stay out here a little longer." I replied.

Robbie gave me a smile and a nod and turned to head into the house. He stopped short and turned back around, "Jade, it's okay, you know. We can't hold on to everything." He said. I was gobsmacked. He offered me another smile and left me standing there wondering what exactly had he meant.

I turned back around and leaned against the railing as I contemplated Robbie's cryptic parting message. I took another swig from the bottle and nearly dropped it when I heard someone say my name. I turned back to see Vega standing there with a silly grin on her face and her drink in hand.

"Hey." I croaked out, my voice had grown hoarse from the smoke.

She scurried up to me and laughed, "Look what Robbie just gave me." She said as she pulled another joint out of her bra. Christ.

I laughed loudly, "Careful Vega, that shit'll knock you on your ass so fast you won't know what hit you."

"Share it with me?" She asked with a pout, and Christ, like I could say no to that. Regardless of the fact that I was already baked like a fucking cake.

I rolled my eyes and pulled a lighter out of my jacket. She put the joint up to her lips and I lit it for her, watching as she took the smoke in and smiled.

"What are you doing out here?" She asked as she passed it to me.

"I was talking to Robbie." I answered simply.

She nodded her head, "And now?"

"Now? Now I'm talking to you, dipshit." I said with a laugh. She joined in and leaned into me in a fit of giggles.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" She asked.

I smiled, "Yeah. As much as I can at a lame fucking party like this." I joked as I nudged her when I passed back the joint.

We stood out there for a while, passing back the joint and my bottle. What is it with people taking my shit tonight? After an extended moment of silence, Vega cleared her throat. I looked at her expectantly.

"So here we are again. Alone and away from everyone." She stated.

I laughed as I puffed on the joint, "Yeah. And your point?"

"What's our excuse this time?" She asked as she looked directly at me. I felt the heat of her stare as I thought about the last party and how we had found ourselves on the roof for the majority of it because we didn't want to be there.

I regained my composure, "I think you want to kiss me again." I said bluntly, hoping she could sense the slight joke in that sentence.

She let out a loud laugh, "And why would I want to do that?"

"Are you trying to say you don't?" I asked softly as I leaned in just a hair closer to her. Her laughter died off and she was looking at me with the same intensity.

"I was asking for a reason." She whispered as our bodies gravitated closer to each other.

"Do you really need one?" I asked as our lips feathered against each other. Soon her hand gripped the back of my neck as she pulled me closer to connect our mouths in a heated kiss that she instantly deepened. Even drunk and stoned, she was still a fantastic kisser.

We pulled apart abruptly and stared at each other with heaving chests.

"We should probably go in." Vega offered as she cleared her throat and pinched off the roach to put out the glowing embers.

"Right." I agreed, nodding my head. Nothing good would come from the two of us staying alone together for much longer.

"Right." She repeated, looking at me once more before turning around and walking back to the house.

I don't know what came over me, but suddenly my arm shot out and grabbed her wrist, pulling her back to me. I pushed her against the wall of the house and kissed her fiercely. She let out a small moan at my action as her hands threaded through my hair. When we broke apart, I watched as she bit down on her lip again and looked at me with that intense stare.

"Inside then." I said again as I ushered her back towards the door. She nodded and followed suit. "Fuck, my bottle. You go on, I'll be there in a sec." I said as I walked back over to where we had stood to pick up my forgotten bottle. There wasn't much left, but I wasn't about to waste that shit.

Vega had already made her way back inside by the time I got to the door again. I stepped inside and my eyes took a minute to adjust to the bright lights compared to outside. Beck saw me instantly from his place at the kitchen table and he got up and walked over to me, placing a chaste kiss on my lips.

"Hey babe," He said with that lopsided grin, "What...what happened to your hair?" He said, letting out a drunken laugh as he played with what I could have only imagined to be slightly unkempt at best.

"It's fucking windy." I said casually as I ran a quick hand through my hair, trying to straighten out anything Vega had messed up.

Beck didn't skip a beat as he leaned down and kissed me again, "Okay. I'm gonna go play pong with Robbie. You'll be all right?"

I looked at him skeptically, "I always am."

"Right. I love you." He said as he walked backwards giving me a wink before rushing into the other room where I could only imagine the pong table had been set up.

Robbie had been standing in the walkway, watching our entire encounter. Beck patted his shoulder as he rushed by and Robbie just gave me this look gave me the answer to what he had said earlier.

_We can't hold on to everything, right?_

I noticed that Cat had finally arrived. Her and Andre were standing on the other side of the kitchen, talking in hushed voices. I walked by, but double backed and hid behind the wall so I could hear what they were trying to be so sneaky about.

"Geez, you've been burning through these pretty quick, Little Red." I heard Andre say.

"Yeah, okay, do you have them?" Cat asked, her voice keeping that airy quality it had, but still sounding slightly frantic.

I heard Andre let out an audible sigh and I peeked my head over the corner. He pulled out a small baggie of pills and handed them to Cat as she swiftly replaced it with a small wad of cash. And then they broke off in opposite directions, as if the encounter never occurred.

I leaned back against the wall, overcome with anger that Andre was the one supplying her with those pills on a regular basis. Who knows what could have happened to her that night had Tori and I not been there. I was about to stomp over to where he stood to give him a rather large piece of my mind when someone appeared next to me.

"You don't look too happy." Vega said with a small pout. Her cheeks were rosy, and I could tell that she definitely had too much to drink, and that joint probably was not helping her inebriated state.

I shrugged, taking another swig of what was left of my bottle. I was fighting an inner battle, and neither side was coming out strong. Should I tell her that her boyfriend was supplying our best friend with what she was using to practically kill herself? Or should I keep my mouth shut and just mind my own fucking business. I took another deep drink, finishing off the bottle as I thought.

"Taking a vow of silence?" Vega prodded nervously as she sipped her drink.

I shook my head, "Fuck it. It's nothing." I said, dismissing her worried eyes.

"If you say so..." She trailed off, looking at me as if she hadn't believed a single thing I said. Good girl.

"I'm surprised your chancing being alone by me again." I said flirtatiously.

Vega's cheeks reddened even more as she bit down on her lip, "You sure aren't making it easy." She retorted.

I puckered my lips playfully, "Oh, but I could make you do something else pretty easily."

Her eyes widened and darkened as she pulled her lip between her teeth again, and suddenly I wanted to be the one tugging on them. I couldn't believe I was doing this. Openly flirting with Vega in the middle of a crowded party. But at the same time, I had a lot to drink and was still pretty baked so the amount of thought that went into what I was saying was very minimal.

"Come with me." Vega said, grabbing me by the wrist and leading me through the throngs of people chatting and dancing. She sure knows how to throw a damn good party. I'll give her that much. We stumbled up the stairs and through the hall, laughing at our lack of coordination. We made it through the threshold of her bedroom and suddenly the atmosphere of the room changed completely. My back made hard contact with the door as she pushed me into it. I heard the lock click and suddenly her mouth was on mine and my hands knotted in her hair. I guided her backwards towards her bed, shoving her slightly more forcibly than necessary onto her back and climbing onto her a beat later.

We shimmied up so we weren't dangling off the side of the bed and she suddenly became an expert at taking off my clothes as quickly as possible, soon leaving me in only my undergarments. I watched as her eyes raked down my body, feeling slightly self conscious, but more excited that I was the one causing the heat to rise in her cheeks. I, on the other hand, took my time at undressing her, kissing every inch of skin as it became exposed.

She whined as I slowly pulled down the denim off of her legs. I let out a throaty laugh as I tossed the jeans behind me haphazardly and climbed back onto her, attaching our mouths again. Her body rolled against mine and I couldn't even try to hold in the moan that came out. I felt her smirk into the kiss and suddenly she was on top of me and her lips were on my neck. She moved down the valley of my breasts and down my stomach, leaving open mouthed kisses in her wake. My entire body moved up and down with my heaving breaths as she slowly tugged down the black lace underwear that I had been wearing.

"You don't have to do this if you don't-" My sentence was cut off as soon as I felt her mouth hit my skin. "Fucking shit." I hissed as one hand shot back to hold onto her headboard and the other tangled in her hair. She moved expertly, eliciting feelings in me that had long been dormant. A thin layer of sweat had broken across my skin as I rapidly approached the crescendo of Vega's performance, and suddenly the coda hit me with such force, I saw nothing but white as my body hummed and quaked in response to what had just happened.

She kissed back up my body and whispered in my ear, "I thought you don't sweat."

"Fuck. Off." I managed to say with what little energy I had left. She let out a loud laugh as she fell onto her back. I took a moment to collect myself, enjoying the aftermath as I replayed in my head just how fantastic it had been.

I rolled on top of her and she looked at me with eyes wide in surprise, "No one can say Jade West doesn't give when she receives." I said as I kissed down her neck, sinking my teeth into her pulse point. She moaned as her hands mused my hair. I continued my trail down her body, soothing harsh bites with soft kisses. Just as I reached her belly button, there was a knock at the door.

"Jade? Are you in there?"

"Fucking shit." I said as I rested my head just above her navel.

"Was that...?" Vega trailed off as she looked down at me, confused.

"Robbie." I said in a low voice.

"Just a sec!" Vega shouted and I gave her a harsh look. "What?"

"How am I supposed to explain why you and I were alone in your bedroom when I look like I just got fucked into oblivion?" I asked her as I stood and pulled my underwear back on.

Vega gave me a smug smirk as she watched me dress myself. I tossed her clothes onto her bed and motioned for her to dress hurriedly. She complied and as I walked to the door, she intercepted me and whispered into my ear, "You did just get fucked into oblivion, babe."

Goosebumps broke across my skin, and I couldn't tell if it was because I was thinking about the sex, or the fact that she had just called me babe. I gave her a smirk and rolled my eyes as I opened the door.

"Can we talk?" Robbie asked, his voice cracking slightly.

Okay, now I was concerned.

I stepped out of the room and followed Robbie as we walked to the staircase. He stopped halfway down and sat, so I followed suit and sat next to him.

"What's wrong?" I asked, looking at him with concern etched on my face.

"He's gone." Robbie said plainly. I could tell he was on the brink of crying.

"Who's gone?"

"Rex. He's gone." Robbie repeated.

I was confused, "He isn't gone, Rob. You have him at your house." I started to say.

"No." Robbie said sternly, cutting me off, "You don't get it. No one gets it." He said, and I could see the tears starting to spill out of his eyes.

"Tell me so I can understand, then." I pleaded.

"My brother. Rex was my big brother." I sat in silence, hoping that he would continue. He took a deep breath as he tried to control the tears that were now pouring down his face, "He was three years older than me. When I was five, we were out shopping with my parents. I wasn't supposed to cross the street without a buddy. I wasn't supposed to. That's just what the fucking rule was. But I fucking did it anyway. I tried to. I didn't see the truck coming. I wasn't paying attention. There was a fucking hot dog stand on the other side of the road and I was trying to get Rex's attention so we could get a hot dog."

I did my best to be comforting as Robbie told me what could possibly be his darkest secret. I put one hand on his knee and the other on his back as I listened to what he was saying.

"He...he pushed me out of the way. He fucking shoved me and he got hit. The paramedics said he died on impact. But my parents. My fucking parents. It was my fault. It was all my fault. They couldn't even look at me anymore. We were in therapy for two years before my mom could even hug me again." He sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Robbie..." I started, though he shook his head and shut me up.

"I didn't know how to function after that. I stopped talking. Just like that. I don't think I said a fucking word until I was seven. When I turned fifteen, I got that puppet. And I don't know. I just thought that maybe...Fuck!" He said.

"What about now?" I asked quietly.

"It's better now. Okay, I guess." He said with a snort, clearly going back to our earlier conversation, "I know that they still blame me for it. I still blame me for it."

"You have to stop that." I said, hoping my voice sounded as solid as I was trying to seem, "You can miss him and you can love him, but you can't keep blaming yourself for what happened. Would he want you to do that? Beat yourself up until you can't take it anymore?"

Robbie rocked back and forth as he shook his head and wiped his nose again.

"You said it yourself. You can't hang on to everything. You have to forgive yourself and keep going with your life. That's what Rex would have wanted."

We sat in silence for a moment as I took in everything I had just learned.

"No one else knows." Robbie said, answering my unasked question, "I don't even know why I told you, I just had to say something." He said quietly.

"I'm glad you told me." I said as I patted his knee. He looked at me through bleary eyes.

"You aren't as awful as you want people to believe, are you?" He asked. We shared an understanding smile as we stood from our perch.

"Right. I should go check on Tori. She wasn't feeling well earlier." I said, hoping that my lie sounded believable. Robbie nodded his head and made his way down the rest of the stairs and back to the slowly fading party.

I opened her door to see her sitting on the edge of her bed in her pajamas, worrying her lip in between her teeth. She stood when she saw me, "Is he okay?"

I nodded, "Fine. Just needed a friend."

Vega looked at me as she appraised what I just said before smiling, "And big bad Jadey was just the one for him." She mocked in a playful way.

"Shut up." I said with a small smile.

We stood in an awkward silence as I thought about where we were supposed to go from here.

I cleared my throat, "Well. I should probably get back to my boyfriend." I said softly. We shared a look of conflicting emotions.

"Right. Boyfriends." Vega said with a sigh.

I took a step closer to her and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, "I owe you one, by the way." I whispered as I pulled away.

"So this is going to be a thing, then?" She asked with a smirk, though I knew there was something more behind that smile.

"I...don't know. Goodnight, Tori." I said, giving her a wink before walking out the door and back downstairs. I found Beck passed out in the guest room on the main level. I let out a sigh and walked over, stripping myself of my jeans before crawling into bed and curling into his side.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shut my brain off. I couldn't stop replaying what had happened with Vega, and then the conversation with Robbie. When my body finally succumbed to sleep, Robbie's words echoed in my mind.

You can't hold on to everything.


	4. Beck

**Thanks so much for the input guys! Sorry this one took a while to finish. I hope you guys enjoy in nonetheless. Let me know how you're liking it so far as well. Reviews are always appreciated! Until next time =)**

The worst part about Beck's decline was the fact that I felt almost completely responsible for it. No matter what way I try to spin what happened, the blame always rests on my shoulders. There really isn't anything to be done about it either. After all, I brought it on myself.

The one thing that I will make a point to address is the state of our relationship at the time. We had been dating for two years. We fell into this funk of just being content. There was no overwhelming amount of joy expressed between us anymore. The butterflies I used to get when we'd kiss had long ago died. The fire between us had been extinguished. It was as if we were together simply for the sake of being together. We didn't know anything else.

Well. We were about to learn.

It happened about three months after that killer party at Vega's. Cat continued her downward spiral to blissful destruction, and Andre continued to supply her with the ammunition she needed. Now that I knew what had been going on between the two of them, they really weren't that subtle about it and I wondered how no one else had ever caught on to what they were doing. Robbie continued to supply us with grade-A dope. We would exchange glances every so often and he would give me this warm smile and nod in an understanding way. There had been a sort of unspoken bond that had developed between the two of us, and to say that I was glad for it would be an understatement.

Vega's usual bright aura that had the habit of following her everywhere slowly started to dim. I noticed one day at lunch the way she would shuffle the food on her tray as she spoke fast about any topic that could be brought up in conversation. When the bell rang, she was up and throwing away her practically full plate so quickly it could have been mistaken for a bomb or something equally threatening. I made a point to tuck that little piece of information into my mind to ask when I would see her later on.

That's another whole story to itself. After that night at Vega's party, our rendezvous became habit. Whether it was at parties, or even a slow Thursday when I'd ditch Beck to go over to her house and watch shitty DVDs just to make out through them. I had this inkling that what we were doing was definitely not okay, and not just because I was with Beck and she was with Andre. We weren't supposed to be acting like love drunk school kids with their hands all over each other the second they were left alone. That was not the way that Tori and Jade functioned. Well, maybe Tori and the old Jade, but the new Jade was making a point to keep Tori as close as possible. After all, she seemed like the only other one who had a grasp on what was happening to all of us.

But anyway, back to Beck and our dwindling relationship.

The whole group had gone over to Vega's for a bonfire. Something small, thank God. Her parents were away yet again and instead of having a bunch of people we didn't know messing up her house, she opted for something much more personal. I think it was also Vega's way of trying to get us all together like we did before all of this shit started to happen. So we sat around the fire and passed a joint amongst ourselves. Tori had chanced sitting next to me, which would be fine enough I suppose. There isn't much trouble we can get ourselves into with all of our friends around us. And our boyfriends sitting on our other side.

When the joint made it's way to me, I took a deep drag and held it for a moment. I turned to Vega and gave her a mischievous smirk before blowing a few smoke rings in her direction. She playfully swatted the smoke away and I took my chance at leaning in closer to her and blowing the rest of the smoke out and watching as she sucked it in. Our faces were still close together and I bit down on my lip as I saw that glint in her eyes. I held the joint up between us.

"It's all you, Vega." I said in a husky voice, breaking the tension.

"That was...oddly hot." Beck said from my other side. I guess I had forgotten what was supposed to have kept me from doing exactly what I had just done. I leaned back into my chair with an accomplished expression as I listened to everyone else talk. I was more than fine with taking a step back and being an observer tonight. Besides, I was pretty stoned and at that point, I'm not sure if anything that would have came out of my mouth would have made much sense.

Beck and I had decided to bow out earlier than everyone else. We hadn't gotten much alone time lately. Conflicting schedules with school and a new play Sikowitz was putting on that he casted Beck as the lead meant we had very little time to actually see each other.

The entire drive back to his RV, I was having a mental argument with myself over whether or not I should mention the fact that Andre was selling Cat pills. I'm sure the fact that I was high as a fucking kite wasn't helping, and I was probably making faces as I enacted several different scenarios of how that conversation could go. We pulled into his driveway and I heard him laughing.

"What?" I asked, directing my attention to him.

He gave me that lopsided grin, "Nothing. You were just making faces. It's cute."

I felt a blush creep up my neck, so I rolled my eyes and reached for the door handle, "Whatever." I said as I got out of the car and walked up to the RV. Once inside, I sat on his bed and weighed one final pros and cons list before deciding that I didn't give a fuck. Cat was my best friend and she had a problem. A problem that Andre was aiding.

"Andre's been selling Cat pills." I blurted out as I stared straight forward, anticipating the onslaught of Beck's anger for accusing his best friend of something like that.

Instead, he laughed as he reached into this fridge and grabbed a beer, "I know."

"You what?" I asked incredulously as I watched him pop the cap off and take a drink.

"Where do you think he got them from?" Beck replied with a chuckle.

"Fuck, Beck. Are you kidding?" I looked at him with distaste.

"What's the big deal, Jade? You don't have a problem smoking all of Robbie's weed." Beck asked with such nonchalance, I would have thought that we were discussing what we were going to make for dinner.

"That is an entirely different situation." I argued.

"How?"

"We aren't talking about the parties where we pop a few just to kick back and do stupid shit for a night. This is daily for her, Beck." I said, practically pleading with him to understand where I was coming from.

"Cat just needs a little more to unwind. It isn't a big deal, babe." He said, shrugging me off.

"Isn't a big deal? Are you fucking joking? She almost got raped at that Northridge party. She's lucky Tori and I were already in that room."

Beck cut me off before I could further illustrate the state our friend was in, "Yeah, about that. How exactly did that happen?"

"What?" I asked in an irritated fashion.

"What were you and Tori doing in a bedroom together? Alone."

"We were smoking a joint on the roof." I said, shrugging off whatever he was trying to imply.

"Since when are you two so chummy?" He asked snidely.

"Oh fuck, Beck. Ever since she came around, all you ever wanted was for us to be friends. We are now." I said exasperatedly as I dropped my hands dramatically.

"I'm just saying, you two always somehow manage to end up alone when we're at parties. The morning after that Northridge party seemed a little more than friendly."

"I'm sorry, we had just stopped some prick from forcing himself on our practically comatose friend. Excuse us for not wanting to leave her alone. And it's not my fucking fault that Vega's a cuddler. Besides, maybe if someone didn't dash off every time we walked into a party, that wouldn't happen." I said, crossing my arms and looking at him.

Beck's shoulders sagged and I knew he had lost whatever little fight he had, "Don't be like that, babe." He said as he walked over and took a seat next to me.

I laughed cynically, shaking my head and casting him a sideways glance. Something caught my eye, causing me to do a double take.

"What's that?" I asked, trying to lean in closer. He instantly covered the spot with his hand and leaned away from me.

"What?" He asked nervously.

"That spot on your neck." I said as I pried away his hand and pushed his head in the other direction so I could get a better look.

"What are you-"

"Is that a fucking hickey?" I asked, disgust evident in my voice.

"If it is, it's probably from you."

"Like fuck it is, Beck. We haven't had sex in almost a month." I said as the realization hit me full on, "Oh my God. You've been cheating, too." I said, my voice finishing off softly.

Beck looked at me guiltily before dropping his head. He looked like he was going to say something, but he stopped short and looked up at me confused, "What do you mean, 'too?'"

I gave him a somber look and he nodded his head as he scoffed, "With who?" He asked with a bite to his voice.

"Don't ask me that, Beck. I don't want to know who you've been sleeping with." I said sadly, shaking my head as I looked at my lap.

We sat in silence for a few moments as the weight of what just happened fully set in. I was just about to get up and leave when Beck spoke again.

"I guess we shouldn't really be surprised. We've been falling apart for a while, haven't we?" He asked as he looked at me.

"Yeah." I said, my voice soft.

"I do love you, Jade. It's just-"

I cut him off, "I know, Beck. I understand." I said before leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. I stood to leave and as I grasped the doorknob in my hand, I turned back to look at him, "I love you too, Beck."

Luckily I had driven to his house after school, so I didn't have to worry about an awkward car ride back to my house. Besides, I wasn't sure home was where I was headed. I climbed in my car and as the engine roared to life, I thought about what had just happened.

Beck and I were over. For good.

There's a shit load of emotions I should be feeling right now. Heart broken because I had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend. Relieved that I wouldn't have to lie to him anymore. Furious that he had been cheating on me.

But instead, I felt nothing. Not a damn thing. I drove with the radio blasting, without much of a destination. Well, I didn't think I had a destination until I found myself pulling into Vega's driveway. Andre's car was no where to be seen and I silently prayed that she would still be home. I got out of the car and walked up to her front door, knocking three times and taking a step back as I waited for her to answer.

Sure enough, a few moments later she was pulling open the door and looking at me with a bewildered expression.

"Are you alone?" I said, my voice void of any emotion.

"Yeah. Andre had something to take care of." Vega answered, though her voice was laced with concern and confusion.

"Beck and I broke up."

Shock, confusion, and maybe even a little bit of relief flashed across her face as she ushered me inside, "What happened?" She asked urgently.

"It was bound to happen. We were just holding on to each other for the sake of holding on to each other." I said as I shook my head and sat on the couch.

"Are you okay?" She finally managed to ask after struggling for a moment.

I gave her a sad smile, "I'm fine, really. I'm great." I said as I thought about how effortlessly that lie could slip from Cat's lips and how I struggled with it. Vega gave me a look that clearly told me she didn't believe me. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at her, "Can I stay with you tonight? I just-"

Vega enveloped me in a hug, "Shh. I understand, Jade. It's okay." She said as she rubbed my back and gave me a final squeeze before letting me go and leading me up stairs to her room. She tossed me a pair of sweatpants and I quickly shrugged out of my jeans and pulled them on. I set my jeans and bag in the corner of her room, then shedding my coat and adding it to the pile. I pulled off my top, thankful that I had been wearing a tank top underneath it so I wouldn't have to worry about borrowing something else from her.

We climbed into bed and I found myself allowing her to wrap me up in her arms as I rested my head in the crook of her neck.

I thought of one last thing before sleep took me into its warm and welcoming arms.

"We can't hold on to everything."

The few weeks after the break up seemed to be normal. Beck and I did our best to stay out of the other's way, but remained civil when we had no other choice. Tori and I spent an increasingly large amount of time together. She milked the break up for everything that it was worth whenever Andre would express irritation. Beck and I made an agreement not to tell anyone about the fact that we had both been cheating. We wanted to keep the break up as clean as we could from the outside. We said it was to protect the other parties involved. Of course I was curious as to who he had been sleeping with, but that curiosity paled in comparison to how badly I needed to keep Tori a secret.

There was something strange going on between Tori and I. Something that I couldn't quite define. We had stopped sleeping together a little bit after the break up. I assumed she was struggling with being the only one who was lying now, which was something I could understand. In a messed up way. I could see the conflict in her eyes whenever she leaned in to kiss me. Until one day when she wanted to cut the whole thing off.

"Andre's been asking a lot of questions." Vega said one night when we were in her bedroom watching DVDs.

"About what?" I asked casually.

"About the Queen of fucking England. What do you think?" She asked with irritation, "He asked if we were sleeping together."

"Oh." I said dismissively.

"Don't you want to know what I said?" She asked insistently.

"Well. We've been here for almost two hours and you're just now mentioning it. Also, your hand is dangerously high on my thigh at the moment. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you pulled the best friend card and lied to him."

She looked at me through wide eyes and her mouth slightly agape. I took that as enough of a yes as if she had said the actual word.

"I'm your best friend?" She finally asked.

"Oh Christ. Out of everything I just said and THAT'S what you pick up on?" I said, giving her a playful smile. She nudged me as we shared a small laugh before silence overcame us yet again.

"I don't like lying to him." She said softly.

"You didn't have to."

"And what was I suppose to say, Jade? 'Yup! You got me! I've been fucking Jade every chance I get.' How do you think something like that would go over, exactly?"

"I don't know, Tori." I answered honestly. The rules had changed, and lately I had spent a lot of time thinking about what dating Tori would be like. I could never ask her to leave Andre. Could I?

"Jade." Tori's stern voice broke me from my thoughts.

"What?"

"Did you hear what I said?"

"No. I don't think so." I answered, blinking at her.

Tori took a deep breath, "I think we should stop."

It took a moment to sink in, and when it finally did, I looked at her and blinked, "Oh."

She waited a moment and I could tell that she was waiting for me to expand on my reaction. When I said nothing, I watched as her shoulders sagged, "That's all you have to say?"

"Well, is that what you want? For us to stop?"

I watched as she chewed on her lower lip, lost in thought about whatever it was that she truly wanted. We sat for what seemed like ages and I wondered if she was ever going to answer me. I almost gave up and left until I felt her hand on my thigh squeeze slightly, causing me to look back at her. Slowly, she leaned in until her lips grazed mine so tentatively, as if she were trying to gauge my reaction. I did my best to respond as little as I could. This was about what she wanted to do. Not me.

She brushed a few more feather light kisses onto my lips before growing tired of my placid reaction. I kept my eyes closed when she pulled away. I wasn't ready to see that look of goodbye. I had gotten used to Vega being a part of my life, and she had turned into a pretty big one at that. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the pain I knew was going to come. Before I could actually open my eyes, I felt two firm hands pushing my shoulders back onto the bed and an unyielding leg placed in between mine.

My eye lids finally slid open and instead of seeing Tori hovering above me, I was staring at her white ceiling while her tongue made contact with my neck. A sharp gasp escaped my lips as she kissed her way up the column of my throat before nipping at my earlobe.

"I want you, Jade." She whispered hoarsely into my ear before continuing her attack on my neck. My hands curled into her hair as my hips involuntarily bucked up to make some sort of contact with her body.

"You...can have me, Tori." I sighed as she sucked on my pulse point. As soon as my words registered to her, she pulled back and looked at me with slightly wide eyes.

"W-what?" She asked as she moved back slightly. I lifted myself up and rested on my elbows as I looked at her confused. Tears brimmed her eyes as she lifted her fingers to gently touch her lips.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked as I tried to reach out for her. She pulled back slightly before climbing off of me and running a hand through her hair.

"You should go." She said quietly.

"Tori, come on." I said, concern lacing my words.

"Leave, Jade." She said, her voice sounding more firm this time.

"Don't do that." I said as I reached out for her again.

She looked at me and there was something so broken resting in her eyes that I knew I couldn't fight what she wanted anymore. I retracted my hand and nodded slowly before climbing off of her bed and grabbing my bag from the floor and heading to the door. With one hand grasping the handle, I turned back and looked at her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Tori." I said quietly. She didn't move, keeping her head down and her eyes fixed on the floor. I waited a moment to see if she'd say anything, and after another long moment of silence, I left her room, and then her house.

What had I just done? I thought I was just giving her what she wanted. In fact, she had just told me that I was what she wanted. So why, when I offer that to her, did she freak out?

The next morning at school, I had been anticipating getting ignored by Vega, so there was little reason to hurry my way into Sikowitz's class. I walked in right as the bell was ringing and took a seat as far away from Vega as possible. I scanned the room quickly. We were all here. Well, except from Beck.

Wait, Beck?

He never missed class. I couldn't get him to skip no matter how hard I tried when we were together.

Sikowitz had flounced up to the front of the room and opened his mouth to speak when the door shot open and Beck staggered in. He made a feeble attempt to adjust the strap on his backpack while throwing Sikowitz a lazy smile.

"Sorry." He said in a low voice before falling into the chair next to me.

I ignored the beginning of Sikowtiz's rant as I stared at Beck with wide eyes.

"Oh my fucking. You're drunk. You're fucking drunk right now." I said in a loud whisper.

"Sh, Jade. I'm trying to learn." Beck slurred as he sloppily put his hand on my face in an attempt to silence me. I shook it off and stared at him, aghast as to what I was witnessing.

"Jesus Christ, Beck. Did you bathe in whiskey this morning?" I asked as I caught a good whiff of him.

Beck let out a loud and dramatic groan as he dropped his head back. That had acquired the entire classroom's attention, and I had to do my best to ignore the blush creeping up my neck at the unwanted attention.

"Uh, Sikowitz. You mind if I take Beck-"

"Yes, please. Get your boyfriend out of here." Sikowitz said, eyeing Beck carefully. I couldn't tell if he knew what was going on, but he definitely knew that something wasn't right.

"He's not my...fuck it." I said, beginning to correct him before giving up. I needed to get him out of here before he said something stupid.

"She's not my girlfriend anymore because Jade's a lesbian."

Something like that.

There was a collective gasp across the room, and Jesus Christ, I thought that only happened in the movies. I grasped Beck's arm and tugged him up before shoving him out of the room, ignoring the fact that all eyes were on me. As I walked by, I caught Vega's eye as she looked at me with terror in her eyes. Terror about her secret being brought to light as well, I'm sure.

When we were in the empty hallway, I shoved Beck into the lockers with hand hand on his neck.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Beck?" I asked in a hushed voice.

"What? You pissed 'coz I got you figured out?" He sneered.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said, releasing my hold on him when he used his hand to push my arm away.

"Sure. Look me in the fucking eye and tell me that you and Tori weren't fucking behind everyone's back." Beck's speech was slurring together terribly as tears welled in his eyes.

"Jesus. Let's get you home." I said, ignoring his request as I held his arm and headed for the exit. We got to my car before he pulled himself out of my grasp and looked at me angrily.

"Tell me, Jade. Tell me how good of a lay Tori was."

"You don't know what you're saying, Beck. You're drunk. At school. What the fuck were you thinking?" I said as I opened my car door and pushed him in.

He said nothing more as I drove to his RV. I couldn't tell if he had just shut up or maybe he had passed out. I wasn't willing to chance a glance in his direction, in fear that giving him the slightest bit of attention would cause him to unleash another verbal assault.

I pulled into his driveway and parked as close to his RV as I could, just in case I had to carry most of his weight. I got out of the car and stomped over to the passenger side. If Beck hadn't been buckled in, he probably would have tumbled right out of my car when I yanked open the door. I rolled my eyes and leaned in, releasing the seatbelt's hold on him. His nose was buried in my hair and I heard him inhale deeply.

"Jade. I miss you." He murmured as his hand tousled my hair.

Ignoring the fact that my hair was standing on end, I slowly maneuvered him out of my car and into his RV, dropping him on his bed. He sprawled out and almost instantly I heard snoring. I leaned against the wall opposite of his bed and let out a deep sigh. Part of me considered going back to school, but another part knew that I needed to be around when Beck woke up. Coming to school drunk was an incredibly stupid thing for him to do, and I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Not to mention talk to him about his accusations that he had been throwing around.

I took a seat on the loveseat in the corner and pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket. I had a text from Tori.

-What the hell just happened?

I rolled my eyes and typed out a simple reply:

-Beck's drunk.

Almost instantaneously did I get a response.

-Does he know about us?

I was instantly infuriated.

-Don't worry your pretty little head, princess. I'll sort it out. No one will know that Tori Vega is secretly gay.

It took a little bit longer for me to get a message back.

-Don't be like that, Jade.

-Leave it, Vega.

I set my phone aside, not in the mood for another argument. Especially one that I wasn't sure I could win. Or what it was even about for that matter. My phone buzzed and my curiosity got the best of me within seconds of receiving the message.

-Come over later. Please.

-No.

I tossed my phone aside again and crossed my arms, staring at a sleeping Beck. I began to wonder where it all went wrong. When did our I love you's turn into habit instead of an intimate admission of our feelings? When did we lose our passion? They shouldn't call it falling out of love. You can feel yourself falling. It should be called phasing out of love. It happens gradually, and you never see it coming until one morning you wake up and wonder where the fuck you are and how the hell you got there.

I don't know how long I was staring, thinking about the unfortunate end, but suddenly Beck's body began to stir and he rolled over, looking at me perplexed.

"What the..." His voice croaked as he propped himself up on his elbows and looked around at his surroundings.

"Beck." I said sharply.

He hoisted himself up and set his feet on the ground, "Jade." He grumbled as he rested his head in his hands.

"I'd offer you a water, but I don't think you have anything in this place without an alcohol content." I said snidely as I leaned back in the chair.

"Don't start with me." He said as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Fuck that, Beck. You wanna tell me what the hell is going on? Why you came to school drunk off your ass today? Or maybe why you outed me in front of our entire class?" I yelled, my emotions getting the best of me. I was planning on convincing him that I wasn't gay and that whatever he thought was going on with Tori and I wasn't true. I guess that just flew out the window now.

"Jade..." He said in a low voice, his composure changing now.

"You have a problem, Beck." I said, my voice taking a much more compassionate tone than even I anticipated.

"No, I don't." He argued weakly.

"I threw out all your booze." I spoke sharply.

His head snapped up and he looked at me incredulously, "What?"

I let out a sigh, "Don't try to tell me that you're fine. You didn't see the panic in your eyes when you heard what I just said." I got up and sat next to him on the bed, listening to him let out a shaky breath. "How long?" I asked.

"A few years." He answered quietly. "It's easy to hide, Jade. With how much we fucking drink."

"I still should have noticed." I answered sullenly. How could I not tell that he was doing this to himself?

"Don't." He said firmly before standing up and heading to the fridge. He pulled open the door and reached in, retrieving a water bottle from inside. I half-expected it to be another beer.

"Then what made you decide a liquid breakfast was a good start before going to school?" I asked, hoping to move the subject away from his drinking in general to this particular instance.

Beck let out a deep breath before turning to face me, "I drove by your house a few days ago." He paused, and I looked at him with a confused expression about what this could have to do with what had happened that morning, "I saw Tori leave." He said simply as he watched my reaction.

Confusion had puckered my lips as I thought about why that could be so detrimental to the situation. When the particular instance he must have been talking about came into my mind, my brow shot up in realization and I let out a soft, "Oh."

"It's weird seeing you kiss something so heated." Beck stated snidely, "Especially someone you once vocally declared your hatred for on a regular basis. And then that person turns into your little party buddy and you two disappear all the fucking time. Jesus Christ, Jade. Are you gonna say anything?" He shouted.

"What is there to say, Beck? What could I possibly say to make what I did okay?" I asked with tears rimming my eyes.

"Nothing. There's nothing. Get out." He said as he motioned towards the door.

"Beck, you can't say anything to-"

"To Andre? To my best friend? I can't tell him that his girlfriend has been fucking one of his friends? Why not?" He shouted.

"Because it stopped. Because it's Tori's secret to tell. Because it isn't any of your fucking business anymore, Beck!" I yelled back at him. He stood silent for a moment and looked at me with hard eyes.

"Fine. I won't say anything." My shoulders fell in relief and I gave him an appreciative nod. Just a small one. I turned to leave as I heard him clear his throat, "Did I not love you enough, Jade?" He asked.

I looked back at him and saw the tears in his eyes, "Our time was up, Beck. It's as simple as that." I answered before leaving him standing there.

There were so many things that I should have done. I should have gotten rid of all of his booze while he was passed out. I should have given him a proper apology for cheating on him. I should have explained to him what had happened between the two of us.

But I didn't do any of those things. Except make sure that Tori's secret was still safe.


	5. Andre

**I'm sorry, I swear I didn't forget about this story! This chapter took me a long time. There's a lot of emotions and I wanted to make sure I got it right. I will give you guys a warning that there's a brief scene discussing self harm. Just so you guys know it advance. Reviews are always more than welcome and I hope you enjoy this!**

I didn't even notice when Andre's cool demeanor began to crack. I guess I was a little preoccupied with all this bull shit that had been going on with Vega.

She had been waiting for me in my driveway when I got back from Beck's after taking care of his stupid, drunk ass.

"Jade." She pleaded as I walked through my front door, leaving it open as a silent invitation. Lord knows I'd never vocally invite her into my house. Not after the way she treated me earlier.

I heard the door close as I made my way silently up the stairs to my bedroom. She followed me into the threshold. Not a word left my lips until I had closed the door and clicked the lock into place.

I turned and looked at her expectantly with my arms crossed over my chest, "What are you doing here, Vega?" I asked coldly.

She sat perched at the foot of my bed, her teeth worrying her lower lip, "You've been acting weird."

"I've been ignoring you." I stated harshly.

"I could tell."

"Usually someone would get the fucking picture by now." I snapped.

"What did I do, Jade?" Tori pleaded as she stood.

"You mean aside from kicking me out of your bed?" My words came out quick and harsh, halting Vega from getting any closer to me.

She let out a sigh as her shoulders dropped, "I'm sorry, Jade. It's just, what you said was-"

"The truth." I said, cutting her off and giving her a cold stare.

"What do you want me to do, Jade?" She practically begged.

"I want you to leave Andre," I said, my voice growing soft, "but this isn't about what I want."

"You...you want me to leave Andre?" She repeated slowly, shaking her head, "I can't do that."

"Why not?" I asked, more curious than angry. This wasn't me trying to coerce her into leaving her boyfriend. This was me trying to get her to realize what she was really feeling, and not what everyone was expecting her to feel.

"I didn't ask you to leave Beck." She snapped back at me.

"No, I did that on my own when I realized what I really wanted."

Tori sighed, "Things are complicated, Jade. Life. Life is complicated."

"It doesn't have to be." I answered simply.

"Don't you get it? It isn't that simple. I can't just break up with Andre and declare this thing that I have with you." She said, her voice raising slightly. My chest tightened when I heard the disgust that coated the word _thing_.

"What would be so bad with that?" I asked.

"That isn't how people see me." She said, and I gaped at her.

"What about how _you_ see you? Are you happy, Tori?" I asked calmly.

She stayed silent for a minute before shaking her head, "I have everything I've ever wanted. Of course, I'm happy, Jade."

I didn't believe her for a second.

"Are you? Because I don't think I've seen you smile in months. I don't think I've really seen you eat, either."

Vega gave me a dangerous glare, "Jade."

I couldn't be deterred. I had things that I needed to say, and keeping them bottled up was destroying me, "How does he not feel it, Tori?" I asked as I pushed myself off of my dresser and made my way slowly to her, "The way your jeans barely hang on to your hips now. How I can count every rib, every vertebrae of your spine when I run my hands over your body." I reached my hand out and gently ghosted a finger down the column of her throat and over her protruding collarbone, "You're killing yourself, Tori." I spoke barely above a whisper.

"No one cares." She said, her eyes looking through me.

That simple sentence just about broke my damn heart. I'm not sure what compelled me to do it, but I pulled her to me and crushed our lips together. The kiss was bruising, and I was trying my hardest to convince her that she was wrong.

"I care." I whispered when we pulled apart, my forehead resting on hers.

"Why?" She asked, her whole body trembling.

"Because I love you." The words slipped out before I could stop them. Tori pulled away from me and looked at me with panic in her eyes.

"I have to...I have to go."

And with that, she was gone.

_Fuck_.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the night, sitting in bed and listening to the same song over and over again as I thought about what had happened. Tori knew what I wanted. That I wanted to be with her. She knew that I loved her. Part of me was absolutely furious with myself that I let that little piece of information slip, but the smarter part of me knew she needed to hear it.

After a while, even I grew sick of my own wallowing and opted for a hot shower to clear my mind. I walked into the bathroom connected to my bedroom and began undressing. I paused for a moment as I stared at my reflection when I was clad only in my undergarments. I gently brushed my fingers over the scars on my ribcage. A myriad of little raised lines crossing over each other littered my otherwise alabaster flesh. My gaze then trailed down to my inner arm where a handful of smaller scars had made their home. My throat tightened as I looked at what I was capable of doing to myself. A self-inflicted reminder of my own imperfection.

I thought about that girl I used to be, that found solace in the sharp burn of the pain. I thought about how easy it would be to go back to that. A long while ago I made a promise to Beck that I would never let myself become that girl again. But he wasn't around to make sure that I upheld that promise. And as I stood there, thinking about how everything was crumbling around me, well...becoming that girl again started to look pretty damn good. I took a deep breath as I braced myself against the sink as a heavy sob wracked its way through my body.

Christ, everything was so fucked up. We were all so fucked up. And none of them even gave a shit anymore. How was it that I was the only one who cared? The girl who _never_ cared about anything is now tearing herself apart because she can't be the one to hold her friends together. Is this karma's response to what I've been doing? I shook my head fiercely, trying my hardest to shake the urge to pick up an old habit, and instead opted to finish undressing and step under the scalding hot water.

I stayed, basking in the heat and steam until the pads of my fingers were wrinkled and the water was gradually chilling. I managed to wrap myself in a towel once I was finished and dragged myself back into my bedroom. Once I pulled on a pair of fresh underwear and a sports bra, I collapsed into my bed, my body was shaking with the need for release. The kind of release I swore I never needed again. I willed myself to sleep as I clutched the fabric of my duvet in my sweaty hands.

You know, in the past I never understood how someone could call it an addiction. It just didn't seem like a plausible explanation to me. Laughable, even. Though now I was definitely understanding as my body trembled as if I was going through withdrawal. As I fought a war within myself in an attempt to prevent myself from going down that path again.

I'm not sure when, but at some point I had finally managed to fall into sleep's waiting arms. Though it was no where near a fitful rest. I woke up with a headache and an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I didn't want to have to face Vega at school. I didn't really want to fucking see anyone. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have much of a say in the matter. I was already walking on thin ice when it came to skipping class and getting in trouble. It was a better idea for me to just stay under the radar

I had given myself a mental prep-talk about how I wanted the day to go. So what if Beck outed me in front of our entire class, and so what if Vega practically ran out of my house after I told her the way I felt about her. Fuck it. Nothing ever touched me before, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that shit start now.

Once I finished getting ready, I made certain that I looked as close to flawless as I could get: black leather skinny jeans with my combat boots and a long-sleeved lace top with my hair curled. Make-up applied perfectly and hair curled with utter precision.

I really didn't give a fuck that everyone knew I was gay. Or that the girl of my dreams completely fucked off on me. Not at that point, at least.

Though my confidence faltered slightly once I finally made it to school. I walked through the main doors and made a beeline to my locker, ignoring any glances cast my way. I was digging through the papers that had accumulated in my locker when I heard someone clear their throat. I was about to throw a verbal assault in the direction of the offending jackass, though stopped completely when I saw Robbie standing next to me.

"How are you?" He asked, his voice so genuine that I thought I would cry right then.

"I'm fine, Rob. Why?" I replied, trying to seem nonchalant.

"Jade...I get it. And I know you don't want to talk about it, but I am here. You know, if you ever change your mind." Robbie finished, his voice soft as he looked down at his feet bashfully.

"Thanks. How about you, though? How are you doing?" I asked once I closed my locker.

Robbie let out a sigh and smiled at me, "I'm good. Yeah, good." He answered as he looked up at the ceiling.

A familiar laugh disrupted our conversation as we both looked over to Vega's locker. She was caught up in a heated lip lock with Andre and I literally felt my heart jump into my throat at the sight.

"Fuck." I said harshly under my breath.

"You okay?" Robbie said, diverting his attention away from the 'happy' couple.

"Fine, really. Let's get to class." I said as I grabbed Robbie by the arm and dragged him to Sikowitz's class, walking right by Tori and Andre without even casting them a second look.

Once class finally started, we were all there. Cat sat further away from us, staring at the floor with a vacant smile. Andre and Tori sat close together on the other side of the room, and despite my best efforts, I kept catching myself glancing over to her. Whenever I did, her eyes were already fixed on me, though she did her best to look away and pretend that she hadn't been staring. I was seated in between Beck and Robbie, which felt weird. Not the Robbie part, but Beck choosing to sit next to me was definitely not something I expected.

"Okay! Beck, can I begin class now or do you have another uncharacteristic outburst you'd like to get out of the way first?" Sikowitz said as he entered the room.

I looked at Beck out of the corner of my eye. His face blushed a deep rouge as he cleared his throat, "I'm really sorry about that." He said, his voice strong and genuine.

"Well, I hope I'm not the only person you've apologized to." Sikowitz said as he casted me a quick glance, an apologetic look on his face.

Aside from the initial glances and whispers when I first got to school, and this comment that Sikowitz just made, not a thing had been said about what Beck shouted yesterday. I don't think that 'thankful' even comes close to how I felt about that.

Sikowitz jumped straight into his lecture about breaking character, or something about an old lady he met yesterday, I stopped paying attention. He was in the middle of a sentence when he was interrupted by a rather frantic sounding Vega.

"Babe, your nose." She said loudly.

Everyone's attention was now directed to the couple in the corner as Vega hurriedly dug through her bag for tissues. Sure as shit, Andre's nose was bleeding as he kept swiping it away. He looked panicked as he accepted the tissue from Tori and got up, heading right out of the room without saying a single thing.

Despite the anger and disappointment that was currently coursing through my heart at the thought of Vega, I couldn't stop myself from looking back at her once her retreating boyfriend was out of sight. Worry, confusion, and even a slight flash of what I thought to be anger flashed across her face as she sat back in her chair. Her eyes flittered back to me and I saw a wave of unshed tears. Fuck. My heart clenched in my chest as I fought with myself on a handful of different urges I was currently experiencing. I wanted so badly to cross that room and take her in my arms and get her to talk to me about what was going on. The other part of me was still so angry at whatever was happening between us. And finally, one part of me wanted to follow Andre and kick his ass for doing this to her.

Robbie leaned in and whispered quickly, "That's the fourth one he's had this week."

We shared a knowing look as I thought about what Tori told me at that Northridge party about Andre using cocaine.

Aside from Andre's rather suspicious nosebleed, the day seemed normal. Well, what was normal for us lately, at least. We were milling around the hallways before lunch when a sickening thud broke my attention from Robbie telling me his weed-induced theories about a parallel universe or something like that. I looked to where the sound came from to see a petite body lying on the floor. Fuck, I knew that red hair.

I rushed to where Cat lay, soon joined by Tori and Robbie. I quickly brought my fingers to her pulse point on her throat. It was there, but fuck was it shallow.

"Robbie, go get Lane." I ordered with a shaking voice as I slowly tapped Cat's face, "Wake up, baby girl. Come on." I cooed in a soft voice.

"Oh shit." I heard someone say from behind me. I knew that fucking voice. I grabbed Vega's hands, which were currently brushing away the vibrant red hair from Cat's face.

"Stay with her. Got it?" I instructed without bothering to look at Tori as I said it.

"I won't leave her, I promise." Vega said, her voice threatened with tears.

I got up from my kneeling position and turned around to see Andre looking rather panicked. As soon as our eyes met, I thought he was going to try to bolt. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him into the janitor's closet. With the hustle and bustle of what was going on, it was quite easy to remain unnoticed as I shoved him into the small room. He stumbled backwards and when he straightened himself up, he looked at me with a steely gaze.

"What the fuck, Jade?" He barked.

"What the _fuck_? Okay, let's go with that. What the _fuck_ are you doing, Andre? You are aware of the fact that Cat's lying on the ground because of what _you're_ giving her." I said through clenched teeth.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh come off it, Andre. I know you've been selling her pills. I'm not fucking stupid." I spat at him, "I also know what you've been doing and why in the last three days you've had four nosebleeds which seem to panic you more each time they happen." I said, giving him a cold glare.

Andre's look of indifference faltered for a moment, and I saw that anxiety brewing in him again, "You don't know anything."

"Fuck it, Andre. If you wanna play it like that. Do you have _any_ idea what this would do to Tori if she found out? About any of it?" I practically yelled as he began to fume.

"Since when do you give a _shit_ about what happens to Tori?" He yelled back at me.

"She is my _friend_, Andre. She has no one. You made damn sure of that." I said in a low voice.

"How the fuck did I do that?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Were you not out in that hallway? Her best friend is lying on the ground because she's overdosing on fucking high dose pain relievers. Aside from this, have you even seen Cat lately? Because before today, I haven't. Not outside of school at least. She'd been on another fucking bender from what _you've_ sold her. She isn't even Cat anymore. But what the fuck does it matter as long as her money's good?" I asked sarcastically with a bitter shrug.

"You don't even know what you're fucking talking about, Jade."

"Oh, I don't? Really? Andre, these are our _friends_. You know what that fucking means, don't you? You don't do this shit to your friends." I said, my voice straining with tears.

"Oh, so now you're going to admit that we're friends? You don't just tolerate us?" He mocked, "Piss off, Jade."

"How fucking charming, Andre. I'll be sure to tell your _girlfriend_ that you won't be coming to the hospital to check on our friend." I said with disdain as I turned to leave.

"Yeah, if you can manage to tear your mouth away from her cunt long enough." Andre spat at me.

My body went frigid as I turned back to look at him, "What the fuck?"

"Beck was right, wasn't he? You're fucking gay and you've got this weird obsession with Tori. It's pretty fucking obvious, actually. The way you're always on her case. Tori isn't like you, Jade. She only hangs out with you because she feels bad for you." Andre sneered.

My jaw was set in something akin to rage. I had to get myself out of there before I told Andre just how gay his girlfriend really was. I took a deep breath and met his glare, "It's a felony, you know."

"What?" He asked, genuine confusion masking his rage for a moment.

"The selling of a controlled narcotic. If Cat says where she got them from, you're fucked." I said simply before leaving the janitor's closet and walking straight out of school. Fuck staying under the radar. I needed to see Cat.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw a missed call from Tori. I hit the call back button and put the phone to my ear.

"Jade." She cooed into the phone. I had to ignore how the simple sound of her voice calmed my fears.

"How is she?" I said.

"She's gonna be okay. They're pumping her stomach now." Tori's voice was quiet.

"Do you want me to come?" I asked, not really paying much mind to what her answer would be. I'd be there either way.

I heard her clear her throat, something I noticed she did a lot when she was trying not to cry, "Please. Jade, I had no idea it was this bad." She said, her voice cracking at the end.

_I did_, I thought as guilt consumed me entirely. I could have stopped this, couldn't I?

"She's gonna be okay." I repeated Tori's earlier statement. Partly to calm her fears and partly to quell the shame in my gut. "I'm on my way, okay?"

"I'll see you when you get here."

"Yeah." I said, getting ready to hang up.

"Jade?" I heard her voice say, stopping me from ending the call.

"Yeah?"

"I..." She began, and I could hear her struggling with what to say. Finally, she let out a sigh and said, "I'll see you."

Disappointment and confusion spoke clearly in my voice when I said, "Okay," and hung up the phone.

I made my way to the hospital with relative ease, rushing into the giant building and up to the reception desk. I told the receptionist who I was here to see and she instructed me to go to the third floor and that the rest of my group was in the waiting room. My body shook as I stood in the elevator, and for a moment I had a feeling that these things usually moved a lot fucking faster. Finally, the giant metal cage arrived on the third floor and I practically ran to the waiting room, seeing Tori, Robbie, Beck, Sikowitz, and Lane all sitting on chairs, wringing their hands, biting their nails, and staring at the floor.

Tori heard me coming, and she looked up. I thought for a moment her eyes lit up when she saw me. She stood and met me halfway, enveloping me in a hug that I would have thought to be out of the norm considering what was going on between us.

"It's okay. I'm here." I cooed into her ear as I smoothed down her hair. Her body was wracked with sobs as she shook against me.

Beck moved and stood behind Tori, looking at me with sadness in his eyes. Good. He should feel fucking bad about this. He had almost as much responsibility in this situation as Andre.

"Did they say what she took?" I asked Beck over Tori's shaking figure.

"Percocet." Beck said, shamefully. Of fucking course.

The previous year, Beck's dad had really hurt his back at his job and was given a prescription of percocet. He kept getting it refilled despite the fact that he never took it. He hated medication. I guess that made it quite easy for Beck to swipe it without much notice.

I looked at him with cold eyes, "She say where she got it from?"

Tori spoke now, pulling away from our embrace, "She told me she got it from her brother. They let us see her once they pumped her stomach."

"Of course." I said icily as I looked up at Beck, hoping he understood just how fucking lucky him and Andre were. "Can she see people now?" I asked.

Tori shook her head, "She's resting now. They want to keep her for a forty-eight observation. They said it wasn't enough for her to have been trying to kill herself, but they want to do a psych evaluation or something." Vega said as she swiped away the tears from her eyes.

I brushed her hands away and replaced her fingers with my own, swiping one tear with my thumb as I held her face gently, "She's gonna be okay now, Tori. She'll be able to get what we couldn't give her." I said softly, alluding back to our conversation that night at the Northridge party.

Beck cleared his throat and our fleeting moment of being okay was over. I dropped my hands from her face and glared at him, "Where's Andre?" He asked.

Tori looked at me confused now, "Yeah. I figured he would have just gone with you. You guys kind of disappeared in the chaos."

I shook my head, trying to come up with a quick lie, "He said he was going to wait to see her until later. You know how he gets about hospitals." I said, a complete blatant, fucking lie.

Tori nodded slightly and I could tell she didn't believe me. Beck looked at me curiously, as if he couldn't believe I wasn't taking the chance to throw the two of them under the bus. We stood in a weird silence until Tori removed herself from the little triangle and went back to her chair.

"Why didn't you tell her?" Beck asked quietly.

I looked at him and shook my head, "Not my secret to tell."

We milled around the waiting room for a little bit longer, just in case anything else were to happen. After an hour of awkward silence in a somber environment, I stood and called out to Tori, "Vega, let me take you home. It's been a long day. She's gonna be okay now."

She looked at me with confusion as she stood and nodded her head anyway. Everyone else agreed and began collecting themselves and making their way out of the waiting room.

We drove in awkward, utter silence. Hundreds of words unspoken between us, clogging the air in my car with tension and frustration. It wasn't until we were parked in her driveway that she finally looked at me, "Jade..."

"Leave it, Tori. Please. This is way too complicated and we've got too much going on right now." I said, shaking my head sadly.

"Jade, look at me." Vega said. I would have ignored her had I not clearly heard the desperation in her voice.

I lifted my eyes from my lap and met her gaze. Her lip was pulled in between her teeth as she looked at me with conflicted eyes. I was about to ask her what she wanted, though she beat me to it by leaning in and brushing our lips together. Once, gently, as if she were testing the waters between us. And then again, much more firm and far more heated. I was caught off by the emotions I had felt bleeding out of that kiss and onto me. She was asking me for something, that much I could tell from the desperate way her lips were moving against mine.

And suddenly, I understood.

The realization struck me so hard, I thought it knocked the wind right out of my lungs. It was in that moment when I realized exactly how simple she really was. There were no real complications, only perceived obstacles that we had built ourselves. That she had built for the sake of protecting others from who she truly was. She wanted love. Love for who she was and not what people thought she was. She wanted to hear that it was okay to be angry at the world. That what she was feeling didn't make her abnormal or damaged in any way. That this war waging inside her would soon pass, and she would see that surviving was more than worth it.

We pulled apart and she looked at me with tears in her eyes before whispering, "I don't know who I am anymore."

"Yes, you do. You just have to learn to love yourself for it." I said softly.

We sat in silence, just looking at each other with small smiles playing on our lips.

"I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" I said, finally breaking the silence.

She nodded, "Yeah. Bye Jade." She replied before getting out of my car.

I drove back to my house with a plethora of emotions coursing through my body. Things could be quite simple, but it wouldn't be until much further down the road.


	6. Tori

The rest of us returned to school the day following Cat's hospitilization, forced to act like the last twenty-four hours hadn't completely rattled us; both as individuals and as a group as well. I had been running late for Sikowitz's class, failing to really care about anything at this point, when I found myself alone in the hallway with Andre, his back facing me.

Now, I hadn't heard from him since our little spat in the janitor's closet before I went to the hospital. We had said some pretty terrible things, but I wasn't about to chalk that up to the stress of the situation we were in. I really did not like who Andre had become, and I could tell he did not like who I was or what I meant to his girlfriend. So we were at odds with each other. For good reason, too. I'm sure he'd really hate me if he knew the things Tori and I had done in that very closet where he called me a raging dyke.

"Harris." I barked. He jumped slightly and turned to face me.

"Jade." He said, visibly uncomfortable as I got closer.

"You see Cat yet?" I asked when I was only a foot away from him.

His eyes looked down to his shoes and he shook his head shamefully.

I let out a cynical laugh, "Of fucking course. Because then this would be all too real. Listen to me, Andre, and listen really fucking closely because I will not repeat myself on this: You are done. Cat is no longer a customer for you. If I find out that you have sold so much as an aspirin to her, I'm coming after you. And if she's got a problem with this, you can tell her to talk to me so I can explain to her what it fucking feels like to watch your best friend nearly die from an overdose. Are we clear?" I snarled at him, ignoring the way my voice broke near the end.

"What..." A voice that was much more feminine that Andre's came from behind me. I turned to see a very confused Vega standing there, clutching a binder in her shaking hands.

"Tori." I whispered as I turned to face her completely.

"Sikowitz was looking for you. Sent me to find you." She said in a distant voice as she looked at me, "You...it was you?" Tori asked as she diverted her attention to Andre in disbelief.

"Baby..." Andre began.

"Don't fucking '_baby_' me right now, Andre." Tori began, her voice dangerously low, "What the fuck could you possibly have to say that would make this okay? You've been selling Cat pills. The same fucking pills that almost killed her yesterday. And you couldn't even...you couldn't even be fucking bothered to come see her yesterday." Her voice turned frantic as she continued to speak. As soon as she finished, her eyes flickered to me and I could almost see the pieces fall into place.

"You knew." She said, her voice much quieter now, "That bull shit about Andre hating hospitals." She said, shaking her head.

"Tori..." I began as I took a step forward and reached out for her.

"No, Jade. You don't get to do that either. Why didn't you tell me last night?" She asked, tears welling in her eyes.

I opened my mouth, though I found no words to explain my decision to keep quiet about it.

"How long?" She asked after taking a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling.

"How long what?" I asked, unsure of what she was talking about and who she was directing her question to.

"How long have you known?" She asked, her eyes darting straight to mine.

I let out a sigh, "Since _that_ party at your house..." I trailed off, hoping the inflection that I placed on 'that' would remind her exactly what I was talking about without having to air out two rather dirty secrets I had been housing.

She shook her head in disbelief, "You knew he was doing this all this time and you never fucking told me?"

I gave a defeated shrug, "It wasn't my secret to tell, Tori."

There were so many things I wanted to say to her, so many reasons I had for keeping my mouth shut about what I had found out, though there was no way I could tell her any of them. Not with Andre right here.

As if reading my mind, Tori's attention was directed back to Andre, "You better do exactly what she fucking said." She said before walking forward and grabbing me by the wrist, "We gotta go to class." She said dismissively.

"Babe, what about..."

"What about what, Andre? What about us?" Tori asked, tears threatening her strong voice.

"Yeah." He said quietly.

"I don't really know. But stay the fuck away from me for now." Tori said firmly before tugging me again in the direction of Sikowitz's classroom.

"Tori." I said once we were out of earshot of Andre.

"No. I am no happier with you right now, Jade, but I was told to get you, so that's exactly what I'm doing." Tori said as she continued walking with my wrist in her grasp.

I stopped and pulled her back to me, "Tori, will you let me explain? Please?" I begged.

Tori looked around at her surroundings before shaking her head softly and letting out a sigh, "Not here. Come over after school." She said before continuing to walk to the class.

"Okay." I said softly as I watched her leave.

She turned back and looked at me with pain in her eyes, "I trusted you." She said with a defeated shrug.

So this is what it feels like to feel your heart break in your chest.

Tori didn't wait for me to say anything, instead continuing her route back to Sikowitz, and I followed like the dutiful puppy she turned me into.

I dragged myself through the remainder of the school day with little to no attention paid to the things around me. I was consumed in everything that had happened. Cat was currently sitting in a hospital, probably being interviewed by psychiatrists. Well, I didn't feel too badly about that. That was exactly what she needed. But Tori hated me. Andre hated me. I rolled my eyes at the thought of Andre hating me. He could hate me all he wanted. My best friend almost died because he was too fucking stupid to realize what she was trying to do to herself.

Once the final bell rung, I made my way to my locker, grabbing the things that I thought I might need. Once I closed the metal door, I looked to Tori's direction, she was staring blankly into the contents of her own locker. As if she could feel my eyes on her, she turned to look at me. I nodded lightly in the direction of the exit and she nodded her understanding before closing her locker and making her way to me. Luckily, Andre wasn't around to see the little exchange or the fact that we were leaving together. He would have probably lost it right then and there, and I don't know how much more of his heckling I could handle before I cracked and brought to light something that we had worked so hard to keep in the shadows.

We walked to my car in silence. We drove to her house in silence. We walked in the front door, up the stairs, and into her bedroom in silence. Only once we were both seated on her bed, and her expectant eyes bored into me did I finally speak.

"I saw him selling them to her at your house, and I kinda picked up on their exchanges at school. Once I knew what was going on, it wasn't exactly subtle." I began to explain.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked urgently.

"Would you have believed me, Tori?" I asked, my eyes finally moving to hers,"Or would you have thought this was just me trying to get you to leave your boyfriend for me? Honestly? How could I tell you something like that without having the evidence to prove it? Even if you had confronted Andre about it, he would have told you that I made everything up because I'm so obviously obsessed with you. I would have looked like some manipulative little twat. That wasn't how I wanted you to find out. You have to trust me."

Tori looked at me as if she were contemplating what I had said, "I just...I don't know, Jade. I can't believe he's responsible for this." She said, averting her eyes. I wondered if she was really letting me off the hook so easily.

"Well, he wasn't alone in it." I said dismissively. She looked at me alarmed and I knew there was no way I could leave it at that, "He was getting the pills from Beck. They had orchestrated some kind of tag-team or something."

Tori scoffed, "Are all of my friends fucking lying to me?" She asked as she shook her head.

"Robbie hasn't. Cat hasn't even been in the right mindset to lie. At least you have that." I said with a shrug, trying to lighten the mood.

She let out a sad laugh, "I guess you're right."

Something had been eating at me since she found out that I knew about Andre. I chewed on my lip as I thought about what I was about to do.

"What is it?" Tori asked, placing her hand gently on my knee.

I closed my eyes and took a ragged breath, preparing myself for the onslaught that I was about to walk into, "Beck knows."

My eyes opened to see Tori look at me confused, "Knows what?"

"About," I cleared my throat, "us."

She didn't look nearly as upset as I had anticipated. She gave me a small nod, "Kinda figured after that little outburst at school."

"Yeah." I said quietly.

"So...He knew you were cheating on him?"

I shook my head as I let out a light laugh, "Apparently I wasn't the only one not being faithful."

I heard Vega let out a sigh and a warm hand was placed on my knee, "I'm sorry, Jade."

I shrugged her off, not really comfortable with the physical comfort, "It's fine, you know? We were bound to fall apart some time." I thought for a moment before saying the one thing that had resonated so well with me over the past few weeks, "You can't hold on to everything." I chanced a look in Vega's direction to see her nodding in understanding.

"He hasn't said anything to Andre?" She asked, sounding surprised.

I shook my head, "No. I made a pretty compelling argument against it."

"What was that?" She asked, amused.

"It wasn't his secret to tell." I said with a smirk.

"What, is that your fucking mantra or something?" Vega asked, giving a small laugh as well.

"Something like that." I let out a chortle as I thought about what Andre had said to me the day before, "Though Andre must have a pretty creative imagination then."

"What do you mean?"

"He told me I was obsessed with you, and that you 'weren't like me' and that you only hung out with me because you felt bad for me. Asked me if I could manage tearing my mouth away from your cunt long enough to have a conversation." I said with a cynical chuckle.

Tori blushed fiercely, "Christ. I'm sorry, Jade. That's...crass."

"That's life. I guess I should have seen it coming. He was bound to say something to me about it, especially after all the shit he's been giving you." I said with a shrug.

"How come you didn't tell him? I mean, he was saying all of those awful things to you. It would have been so simple just to tell him he was wrong." She asked and I gave her a look and she let out a laugh, "Right. Not your secret to tell."

"Andre can think or say whatever he wants about me. I'm so sick of worrying about what other people have to say. It isn't worth it." I said, shaking my head.

Tori gave me a smile and squeezed my knee, "You're very brave, Jade."

I laughed, "Brave or just a bitch?"

"Who says you can't be both?" She asked and we shared a small laugh.

"Are we...are we okay, Tori?" I asked in a quiet voice.

She let out a sigh and I had a feeling she didn't want to answer that question, "I...I don't know Jade. I kind of hate you right now."

I cleared my throat, trying to pretend that hearing her say that didn't completely shatter me even more than hearing her say she didn't trust me, "Right. I should go, then." I said as I moved to leave.

Her hand on my leg stayed there and she took my wrist and stopped me from leaving, "Let me finish." I looked at her with slightly wide eyes, "I kind of hate that I should hate you right now. I really should."

"But?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound too desperate.

She let out a short breath through her nose that almost sounded like a laugh, "I don't. Not even in the slightest. I get it what you were trying to do. I'd like to believe I would have done the same thing if I were in your position."

I looked at her, my lower lip pulled between my teeth, "Tori." I breathed. She looked up at me and I saw the same conflicted expression that I knew I must be wearing. I covered her hand on my thigh with my own hand and slowly leaned in, giving her enough time to push me away if she wanted to.

She didn't though, and instead sped up the process by wrapping a hand around the back of my neck and crushing our lips together. I slowly pushed her back onto the bed as my lips left a hot trail of open-mouthed kisses down her throat and back up to her ear. Her hands frantically pulled at the hem of my shirt, tugging it over my head and tossing it across the room. I did the same to her, and now let my mouth explore more of the newly exposed skin beneath me. Her hands were knotted in my hair as my lips danced along her collar bone and my hand snuck behind her and undid the clasp of her bra. I pulled it from her body and tossed the offending garment away, one might have assumed it had insulted me, and in a way I guess it had. Her hands made quick work of my own bra and the feeling of her skin against mine made me shudder.

"Jade." She said, breathlessly.

I stopped my kisses and looked at her, preparing myself for her telling me she wanted to stop and that I should leave. Instead, I was staring into eyes filled with lust and desire as her chest heaved beneath me.

"Please." She whispered.

My nerves were instantly relieved as I deftly undid the button on her jeans and she shimmied her way out of the denim. I moved my body back onto hers, connecting our mouths in a heated kiss as I allowed my hand to trail down the expanse of tan skin, enjoying the way her body shuddered at my touch. When my fingertips brushed against the lace she was wearing, I distinctly heard both of our breaths hitch at that moment. My hands were shaking as I slowly slid down to where they toyed with the red fabric. Soon it too was discarded and I was left with no barriers keeping me from my final goal.

I feathered a kiss on the curve of her hip before her hand gently pushed down on my shoulder and I grinned into her skin before obliging to her silent demand. I was drowning in the sounds of her labored breath, her soft mewling, and relatively loud cry she let out when her entire body tensed around me. When the heaving in her chest slowed and her legs released their vice-grip hold on me, I placed another warm kiss onto her other hipbone before shimmying back up to accept the firm kiss she placed on my mouth.

We laid in silence for a bit, while she still fought with gaining control over her pulse again. When she seemed to have caught her breath, she rolled her head to the side and looked at me, "I...I do too, you know." She said.

It took me a moment to realize what she must have been talking about.

Fuck. Holy fuck. Did she just...No. She had to have meant something else. There's no way.

A warm kiss stopped my frantic mind as I heard her chuckle, "I can hear you thinking from over here. What you think I meant is exactly what I meant." She said. We shared a warm smile.

She loved me. Tori fucking Vega just told me she loved me.

About an hour, and a few rounds later, clad in only our undergarments, she had tucked herself into my side so I was spooning her. I was never much for too much contact, but let's be honest. I would have done anything for that girl. I drummed a hollow tune on her hip bone before tracing my fingers down the protruding bone.

"You've lost a lot of weight." I said softly into her ear, watching as my words caused her hair to brush across her face. She was feigning sleep. You spend enough time sleeping with someone, you become quite in tune to the way they sleep, and she most certainly was awake. She shifted in my arms slightly, obviously in hopes of conveying a sleeping body. I stopped my drumming and rested my chin on her shoulder, "I know you aren't sleeping, you lying sack of shit." I whispered.

I watched as a smirk spread across those pink lips and she let out a soft giggle, "What happened to you not liking to cuddle?" She said in a low voice.

I let out a dramatic sigh and fell onto my back, "Just one of those irritating things you've got me doing, I guess." I said with closed eyes.

I felt the bed move and knew she had rolled over so she was now facing me. I kept my eyes closed and fought the smile that was threatening to break across my face. The next thing I knew, I felt teeth sinking into my bare shoulder, and I let out a deep sigh, darkly reveling in the pain.

"I should think that's fucked up." I heard her say, her voice close to my ear.

"There's a lot of things we should think are fucked up. Like the war. Or the way some people say milk. Or Madonna's arms." I said, allowing myself to smile at the sound of her laugh. She rested her head in the crook of my neck as her fingers gently traced the thin white lines of my scars on my ribcage. She knew their location without even having to look.

It made my heart ache.

"Why do you do it?" She asked softly.

"Why do you?" I retorted, hoping that my voice sounded as non-confrontational as possible.

Her body tensed and I pulled her closer into me until I felt her relax again.

"We sure are a match made in Hell, aren't we?"

I laughed loudly at the thought, "Fuck. I guess I'd say we are."

We laid in silence for a while longer and I enjoyed the feeling of her in my arms, regardless of the shit storm that was life that had been moving forward outside that door.

"Tori." I whispered. I felt her shift and soon saw her looking at me through those caramel eyes, "I want you to get better." I said.

There was a long pause as she studied my face, "I do too." She finally said, pulling her lower lip between her teeth, "I want you to stop hurting yourself."

I looked at her, my eyes slightly wide. Beck has been the only other person to ever say something close to that. My heart swelled with the thought that she might actually care about me enough to say something like that. I took another moment of silence to think about what I was about to say. I had to make sure that it was the truth. I couldn't lie to her. I had to mean what I was going to say. And in that moment, I knew that I did.

"I do too." I finally managed to croak out. She looked at me and leaned in, pressing a sound kiss on my lips. It felt like a seal to a promise we had just made each other. We would get better, and we would see to it that the other would get better too. We'd fix each other.

We pulled apart and I gave her a genuine smile. Christ, she was beautiful. She really was.

"Tori, I know you said..." The door opened quickly and we jumped apart from each other to see Andre standing in the doorway.

"Oh fuck." I whispered.

There was really no way either of us could pretend that it was anything other than exactly what it looked like. The two of us wrapped up in the top sheet of Tori's bedding, stripped down to our underwear, and I could only imagine the state of our hair and the marks Vega's teeth had left on my stomach after she had recovered.

"No. No fucking... Fuck. FUCK, Jade! Are you fucking kidding me? Is _this_ what friends do to each other?" Andre spat at me with such venom in his voice.

"Andre." Tori began, trying to soothe him with her voice as she slowly got out of bed.

"Don't. Don't fucking think about coming near me. I knew- I fucking knew something was up between the two of you. I fucking knew it. How could you do this to me?" He asked Tori, tears welling up in his eyes.

Tori sat back down on the bed and looked equally shattered as she shook her head, at a loss for words. Andre took a deep breath, in an attempt to compose himself, I assume. He shook his head and cleared his throat.

"You might not have known where we stood four hours ago, but I do. We're fucking done. Fucking _dyke_." He snapped before storming out of the door he had just entered.

We sat in utter silence, though this was much different than the silence that blanketed us five minutes ago. This was a tense silence that was begging to be cracked. We sat on her bed, neither bothering to dress as we both shook with the aftermath of what we had just experienced.

I snapped myself out of this hypnotic state we were in and turned to look at Tori. Her entire body was trembling as tears silently spilled from her eyes. I reached out and placed my hand on her knee.

"Tori..." I said, trying to be comforting.

She brushed my hand off of her so quickly, I would have thought I had hurt her with such a simple touch, "Don't." She said, her voice hardly audible. "I think you should leave."

I watched as the progress we had made over the last hour or so began to crumble around me. I stood slowly, unable to believe that what had happened really had occurred, and on top of that, the way Tori shut me out. I dressed with shaking hands as bile brewed nastily in my stomach

"I..." I began as I stood with my hand on the doorknob. I had nothing to say. Nothing that could remedy what had just happened. Nothing even remotely close to making this okay. I shook my head, fighting with the tears that were begging for release, "It's okay for you to hate me now, Tori. I fucking hate me, too." I finally said before leaving her house.

Things are never easy, I know that. That's just an inherent truth about life. But once, just once, I wished something would go right when it came to Tori and I.

**We've got Jade's chapter left! I hope you guys enjoy this. Feel free to leave some feedback. Those of you who have been reviewing (especially regularly) I appreciate your input and kind words SO much. You've been a great help and I'm glad that many are taking kindly to this story. Again, until next time! =)**


	7. Jade

**Bet you guys thought I forgot about this. I'm strongly considering continuing the story after this chapter, it would be post-party from chapter one and follow the same format. Let me know what you guys think, of course. Thanks for sticking in there with me. I know this is pretty far from the Victorious world we know.**

Time moved slowly when Vega refused to speak to me. I guess I didn't know what I had been expecting when I thought about the repercussions of our actions. Most likely because the thought of us getting caught never once crossed my mind.

I'm a heartless bitch, I know. But that doesn't make any of this easier.

When Andre first announced the news of mine and Tori's affair, I was honestly worried about the reactions our friends would have. Robbie looked at me in mild disbelief, though I had a feeling he knew that something serious had been going on between the two of us since that party at Vega's. He told me that I was clearly beating myself up over it, and that him judging me would do little help at all.

After the evaluation, the doctor requested that Cat get psychiatric therapy, which her parents instantly agreed to. The withdrawal stage was ugly, and I was doing my best to offer my services, but Vega had me beat every time. I couldn't blame her. She needed Cat just as much as Cat needed someone. Obviously, the news broke while Cat was still recovering, so her response was hardly a reliable way to interpret what she thought about the situation. I spent one night at her place to keep her company and all she said she just wanted everyone to be happy before passing out.

If only it were that easy, Cat.

I had been trying so hard to stay strong, to keep up the promise I had made with Tori the night everything went to shit. The urge came back stronger than ever and it almost felt like my skin was itching for release. I couldn't even get Tori to look me in the eye at that point. I felt utterly hopeless and crushed at the same time. I lost all faith that Tori and I would ever be able to mend what had been shattered one night when I had received a text from Tori. One simple sentence had the power to turn my entire world on its head:

_I want you to stay away from me._

My eyes scanned over the message at least fifteen times before I really comprehended what I was reading. Panic engulfed me as I dropped my phone on my desk where I had been seated. I lost her. Fuck, she wasn't even mine to have in the first place.

I found myself moving on autopilot as I walked into my bathroom and shut the door. I rested my hands on the sink in front of me as the tears fell freely and my body was wracked with my own pathetic sobs.

Frantically wiping at the tears on my cheeks, I looked into the mirror and saw the transformation happen: the breaking of my walls as I crumbled into the girl I swore I would never be and did the one thing I swore I would never do. The tears stopped falling as I focused on the burning pain on my side.

I stood there in a sports bra and running shorts and looked at who I was. Who I had become yet again. My eyes fixed themselves on the red, irritated skin on my ribcage where seven neat lines speckled with blood stared back at me. Taunted me.

I stood under the spray of the shower for over half an hour as guilt consumed me. I never felt guilt for it until Beck made me make that promise. It happened once after that. And then I made that promise to Vega. Another promise broken.

Then again, I had high doubts she was keeping her end of the promise. She was getting worse, and there had been nothing I could do to stop it.

It killed me to see Vega internalizing everything she was struggling with. Anger brewed in my gut whenever Andre would make a snide comment, which was frequently. Since their break up, he did a very good job at vocalizing what had happened between Tori and I. Despite my ignorance to his remarks and Vega's permanent tear-stained face, Andre kept up with his behavior, until the day someone else stood up to him.

"I'm assigning pairs for your romance scenes!" Sikowitz bellowed from the front of the classroom, his excitement for the project practically oozing off of his balding head.

It had been the day after I cracked, and I sat with a cloud of guilt lingering over my head, paranoid that Beck or Tori could sense what I had done to myself, as ridiculous as that sounds. I had been seated in between Beck and Robbie while Tori sat a few rows over next to Cat. Andre had been seated a few rows over on my other side, slouched in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest and a nasty look on his face.

"Might as well pair Jade and Tori up. They'll probably do it behind our backs anyway." Andre chirped in. I rolled my eyes, though my gaze instantly gravitated towards my 'partner in crime'. I watched as she hung her shaking head in a tired fashion. She looked awful. Gaunt and pale, she was lacking that glow she always had about her.

It was breaking my heart.

"Could you fucking let it go, man?"

Fifteen pairs of surprised eyes moved to Robbie seated on the opposite side of the room from Andre.

"What did you say?" Andre said, obviously trying to be intimidating. He failed, in my opinion.

"It happened. Yeah, it fucking sucks, and I feel you, but you're forgetting that you aren't the only person that's been hurting. I think you've punished them enough with your verbal assault every chance you can get." Robbie said, his voice strong and firm. Vega and I shared our first meaningful glance in days, mutually appreciating Robbie's courage.

"No offense, Robbie, but you don't know what I'm feeling. This isn't like separation anxiety from your fucking puppet." Andre spat at him. I watched as Robbie's face reddened as his knuckles turned white from clenching his fists.

I placed a comforting hand on his knee and when he finally tore his eyes away from Andre and rested them on me, I shook my head slightly. I watched as he let out a breath and tried to calm himself.

"Well, isn't that sweet. You fucking him too, Jade? Sick of pussy already?" Andre egged me on.

My jaw was set as I stared him down. I was going to hit my breaking point soon, that much was obvious. I glanced in Sikowtiz's direction as he stood, gobsmacked that we were talking this way to each other. Most of our conversation moved so quickly, he hardly would have had a chance to intervene if he could have.

"Real fucking clever, Andre. Got any more lesbian jokes to share? You're on a roll, after all." I droned on in a bored voice.

This ruffled Andre's feathers as he huffed and sat up in his chair, "The only joke here is the thought of the two of you being an actual couple." Andre said with a laugh and a satisfied smirk. My eyes narrowed as I looked at him, intrigued.

"Do explain."

Andre gave me a look that told me I had walked right into his trap, "The two most fucked up girls at Hollywood Arts: the goth," he said looking at me before directing his attention to Tori, who had been trying to curl up into herself the entire time, "and the anorexic."

"Fuck this." I said as I jumped up and lunged at him. I was too quick for either Beck or Robbie to try holding me back. My fist made contact with Andre's face once before a pair of sturdy arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back.

"Jade, stop." Beck's soothing voice said close to my ear.

"Fuck _off_." I said as I struggled to break free. When Beck put a good bit of distance between Andre and myself, his hold on my slacked. He stayed standing between us just in case.

It was probably more than necessary.

"The only joke here is you, Andre. How fucking dare you joke about something like that? You insensitive, misanthropic son of a bitch." I yelled at him, losing all patience. Andre looked unfazed by my words until I decided to add something on, "You couldn't even see what a great thing you had until it was slipping away from you. Fuck, you practically _pushed_ her away." I said, my emotions getting the better of me as my voice wavered.

Andre laughed loudly as he looked at me incredulously, "What? You think she was going to leave me for _you_? You two clearly aren't together, so tell me how that theory is panning out for you."

"If she had been happy, she wouldn't have needed to be with me at all." I growled back at him. I hated that all of this was coming out in a very public setting. None of this was anyone's business, but Andre fired me up and there was very little that could stop me.

Andre's smirk never left his face despite the small river of blood trickling from where my ring made contact with his lip, "You're awfully quiet over there, _Tor_." He said in a sickeningly sweet voice as he looked over my shoulder to where Vega sat.

"Leave her be." I warned in a low voice.

"No fucking way, Jade. Tell me, Tori, tell me how _great_ of a fuck Jade was, how you kept going back while you were telling me you loved me." He snarled at her, taking a step closer. Before I could do anything, Beck intervened and pushed Andre back gently.

"Dude. Leave them alone, okay?" Beck tried to diffuse the situation in his nice guy way.

"How are you okay with this?" Andre asked Beck in frustration as he pointed in our direction.

"I'm not," Beck declared quickly in a loud, "but being pissed over it doesn't fix anything. It isn't going to make Tori love you again, and it isn't going to change the past." Beck said, and I felt my heart clench knowing how badly this whole situation honestly hurt him. We had talked after Cat's hospitalization that neither of us really wanted to end our friendship, and that the best we could do was leave the past behind us. I admired his strength.

Andre laughed cynically, "All right, you fucking fortune cookie, why don't you enlighten me and tell me how you felt when you found out. Did you walk in on her in bed with another girl?" Andre asked.

Beck's head hung slightly and he shook his head, "No."

"Exactly. Go ahead and try to fucking tell me you stayed as cool as you always are." He said in a condescending voice.

I saw Beck's body stiffen and I really hoped he would be the bigger man and just brush off the way Andre was egging him on, "I was cheating, too." Beck said loudly. Andre looked shocked before shaking his head in disbelief.

"You're airing out a lot of dirty laundry here, Andre." I said in a warning voice.

Andre shrugged in defeat, "What fucking difference does it make? I've lost everything. You made sure of that." Andre said, directing his anger at me again.

"Would you just stop?" A frantic voice pleaded, pulling our attention away from each other and to a crying Vega. All the anger that had previously been coursing through my veins froze as I saw how vulnerable and broken Tori looked in that moment.

"Tor..." I started to say, my voice hardly above a whisper.

She looked at me with bleary eyes before shaking her head and fleeing from the room.

"Shit." I said under my breath as I shared a worried look with Robbie. I made a move to follow her, but stopped when Andre started talking again.

"When are you going to get it?" Andre asked, directing my attention back to him.

"Get what?" I asked in a tired voice.

"She doesn't fucking want you. She's not like you. She's not a _dyke_ like you." Andre spat at me.

I looked at Andre and for the first time felt my defenses crack. I took a deep breath but before I could even say anything, Sikowitz erupted.

"Andre! Good Ghandi, get the hell out of my classroom!" He shouted, displaying his anger with the whole situation.

"Oh are you fu-"

"Don't finish that sentence." Sikowitz warned. I was taken aback by this side of Sikowitz that I don't think any of us had ever seen. Andre stared at him in silence and he reiterated his order, "Get. Out. Matter of fact, head down to the principal's office. I'm honestly quite tired of the way you've treated them in the last few minutes, I don't even have to imagine the things you've said out of ear shot."

Andre waited a beat before snatching his bag from his chair and storming out of the room. I prayed that Vega hid herself in the girls' bathroom so they wouldn't run into each other.

"I'm gonna go find her." I said as I turned to the door.

"No, you aren't." Sikowitz said.

"Like fuck I'm not." I responded so quickly I hadn't realized I had just cursed at a teacher.

"Jade. For once in your life just do what you're told." Sikowitz instructed, sounding exhausted, "Beck, go find her and make sure she's okay."

Beck looked shocked at his given order. He glanced around before asking in an uncomfortable voice, "But what if...what if she's in the bathroom?"

Sikowitz looked at him as if what he had asked was a stupid question, "Then politely knock before entering." He answered before shooing Beck out the door.

The classroom was silent once Beck left. I slumped down into my chair and watched as Sikowitz hunkered down onto the floor with his head in his hand. Suddenly Beck's empty seat was occupied by Cat as she reached out and took my hand in a comforting manner.

"I'm fine. I'm fine." I said quietly as I shook my head, trying my damnedest to regain my composure.

"Liar." Cat whispered as she rested her head on my shoulder.

I laughed and shook my head at the irony of Cat calling me out on my lies when I couldn't call her out on hers months prior.

A few minutes passed and I got the feeling Sikowitz hadn't been up for teaching after what he had just witnessed. I was about to speak when the door opened and my head snapped to see who it was.

"She wants you." Beck said, looking directly at me. His eyes looked hollow and I watched as his left nostril flared when he took a deep breath. That was a tick of his. He was trying not to cry.

I stood from my seat and walked over to him slowly, "Where is she?" I asked quietly.

"Janitor's closet." He answered. I nodded my head and moved to go when he stopped me by saying my name.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I'm sorry." He said simply.

"What could you possibly have to apologize for?" I asked, the faintest hint of amusement in my voice.

He shrugged, "No one deserves to be treated the way you and Tori have been lately. It took us too long to say something."

I shook my head, "It's okay, Beck. I get it." I said before giving him a sad smile and leaving the classroom. I walked with shaking legs to the janitor's closet. My palms had grown sweaty and my throat was dry as I stood in front of the door. I opened in slowly as saw Vega sitting on the floor against the wall with her knees pressed to her chest.

"Hey." I said softly as I entered the small room and closed the door behind me.

Vega said nothing, and instead stared straight ahead with a vacant look in her eyes. I took a seat in the space next to her and copied her position.

"Tori-"

"Do you really love me?" She asked, cutting off any thought I had started.

I stared at her with wide eyes for a moment before collecting my thoughts, "You know I do."

Her eyes bored into mine with such intensity that I almost shrunk away. Until she closed the distance between us and claimed my lips in a desperate kiss. Her lips moved against mine and I could feel the tears falling from her closed eyes and onto her cheeks, which would trickle onto mine. The kisses were growing in intensity and she pressed me back into the wall, her hand moving to my side underneath my breast as she tried to steady herself on my lap. Her hand made contact with the healing, hidden wounds. I couldn't swallow the hiss that escaped my lips and the way my body instinctively moved away from her touch.

Her assault on my mouth stopped as she pulled back and looked at me through teary eyes. She knew what I did.

"Jade..." She said softly.

I avoided her gaze as I shook my head, "Don't, Tori."

Her hand that I had missed being able to hold so badly slipped underneath the fabric of the olive green colored long-sleeved top I had been wearing and soon was gently pressing against the heated skin. The sob that escaped her lips caused me to finally look up at her.

Part of me wanted to be angry with her. Angry that she thought she could feel anything about me after the way she shut me out. Part of me wanted to break down and cry, finally letting go of all the pent up emotions that were waging a war inside of me. Part of me just wanted to run.

Instead, I looked at her eyes and bit my lip, "I couldn't do it anymore." I whispered.

Tori claimed my lips in a heated kiss before pulling me up to my feet and pressing me against the wall. Her hands slipped my top up and over my head before I could protest, and soon hers followed. She unleashed a flurry of kisses on my torso, lingering over the new wounds. I looked down at her to see tears falling freely down her cheeks. Unable to handle the vulnerability, I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall. The softness of her lips on my tender skin caused me to let out a small gasp as my eyes opened again.

In the beginning, I hated the way she treated my scars. She'd feather kisses against them as she'd tell me how beautiful I was, regardless of the lines that marred my flesh. But in that moment, the intimacy and pain mingling together to create a dangerous combination caused me to finally break down. I pulled her back to my height and kissed her roughly as I switched our positions and pinned her against the door as tears streamed down my face.

I slid down her body, taking her jeans with me as I went. Her underwear soon followed as I positioned myself between her legs. Her entire body quaked as my hands slid down the concave stomach and over the protruding hip bones. I gently kissed below her belly button before continuing my main purpose. Her hands tangled in my hair almost instantly as I began and her whimpers filled the air around us.

It didn't take long at all until her body stiffened under my mouth and relaxed. She was still shaking as I slowly kissed a trail back up to her lips. I held her face delicately in my hands as I kissed her gently.

"I love you." I whispered, my voice cracking at the end.

Tori smiled sadly as she nodded her head. I sensed that something was off, something in her eyes wasn't right.

"What's wrong?" I asked, feeling my vulnerability bleed out.

Tori shook her head and pushed me away before gathering up her clothes and dressing again. She handed me my top and I looked at her, confused.

"Tori, what is it?" I asked as I tried to get her to look at me.

"Everything is fucked." She said, tears threatening to spill out from her eyes.

"We can fix it." I whispered as I reached out for her again.

She pulled back and shook her head. She stood at the door with her hand clasping the handle as she looked at me with such terrible sadness in her eyes, "Some things aren't meant to be fixed, Jade."

"Tori, don't say that." I said, panic shaking my words.

Tori sighed and released her hold on the doorknob, closing the distance between the two of us and placing a kiss on the side of my mouth, "I'm sorry, Jade. We'd destroy each other." She said before leaving me standing alone in the janitor's closet.

She thinks we'd destroy each other, but she can't see the fact that we're already doing a damn good job at destroying ourselves.

**I swear that I'm usually not so anti-Andre! It's just coming out that way with this plot. Again, thanks for reading and hanging in there with me. If you guys want me to continue it, I surely will! Until next time.**


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